:: Mikel's Mind ::

:: Friday, June 28, 2002 ::

Rumor has it we're about to get paid, thankfully. After that, it's head over to Erik's and then up to Chicago to see Ben Folds.

Shooting has been delayed a bit. We were supposed to shoot last night but something came up with Melinda and she wasn't able to come, so we're going to be shooting Sunday. Hopefully, also Monday-Wednedsay and Sunday...we're getting close to the final stretch.

Got to sit in with Pari's crew and had a good time. Fun people, but they have a ton of downtime between takes. What took them 5 or so hous we could have done in 1. They have better equipment, but there was a lot of sitting around for no good reason. We do it to, of course, when we get to chatting, but I'm trying to get better about that.

Went out the other night with Britt, Erik, Lowell, Myriah, and Laura...was a good, good time. Hadn't seen Laura in forever and it was nice to be around someone (Britt) whom I can be a bit touchy-feely with. I miss hugs and cuddling quite a bit, though I'm not certain if Erik was a little taken aback by his girlfriend stating that I'm a great hugger (and I am) and that she's going to marry me. :)

I'd like nothing more then to be able to lie on the couch with that special someone and just hold each other. Of course, I'd have to find that special someone or discover that the person who I wouldn't mind being that special someone feels the same.

But, every ounce of eloquence and charm flees me when I try to ask someone out or find out if they are truly interested and it's getting fucking annoying.

Things would be SO much easier if I'd never gotten my head wrapped around this in the first place.
:: Mikel 2:57 PM [+] ::
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There is a new cure for depression

My clinic is always open.
:: Mikel 1:12 PM [+] ::
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I'll try to update it this weekend. Shooting's been going well, I've just been tired and pissed at work, and need a bit of a break.
:: Mikel 3:27 PM [+] ::
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Sat down last night to get some writing done and felt like hell. Eric called wanting to know if I wanted to head out with him, Myriah, and Brittany. Figured maybe some fresh air would do me good...I was wrong. Got home and had one of those nights were I generally felt like hell and my body wasn't sure if it wanted to throw up or not. I didn't really feel queasy, but once in awhile I'd get a little rumble or squirming in my belly to keep the thought in my head. It hurt to have my eyes open, so I was downstairs on the couch, listening to the TV and trying to hold a conversation with my roommate. Felt better this morning, though...I was kind of hoping to call in sick, but wanted to make sure today wasn't the day I was going to get paid.

Okay....what have I missed.

Made a mistake with Melinda on Friday. Called a shirt she wore reminiscient of a potatoe sack, which didn't go over well. Melinda, if you read this, it looked good... it was a nice shirt, but the weave of the shirt IS a bit patatoe-sackish. I'll ask for descriptions next time before writing them down, just to make sure I don't make any more faux-pas.

One of the scenes is too short....discovered this after the set up and while we were going through it...I'll need to write more with it. We actually managed to get a good amount done on Friday and Sunday.... there are a few kitchen scenes we didn't get to, but I'm not terribly surprised by that. We probably have one or two more days in Mahomet, total. (One for the other kitchen scenes...we got the most complex ones) and one for the Tim/Rachel scenes that are being tinkered with.

Now to see how much we can get done in Champaign this week.

Had a great time shooting the scenes where Ashlie puts little kisses on Brian. Brian's 12 and didn't want any part of it...it was hysterically funny and I wish we had had the camera rolling during the rehearsing of it. Classic stuff. Someday he'll look back and be happy he did it.

Some problems with the monitor....a little too rough putting the connections in, I guess. The cable we got from Radio Shack (which was like $20) is massively problematic...I'm a little pissed. We'd have been better off with a smaller one like the one that hooks into my DVD player.

Supposed to be doing an interview this week...we may get some photos. I'd like some of the cast, anyway....get a friend to do those, maybe.

Personal life: eh. Been drained and tired. Too much on my mind and all this moving shit coming up.
:: Mikel 11:00 AM [+] ::
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duplicate post
:: Mikel 10:59 AM [+] ::
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Tim:

Thinking this over last night, it became very apparent that, while the characters all have their inspirations (Tim is Jenni's Dad, Rachel is Jenni, Kimmie is Emily, Garrett is Me), they are also very much aspects of myself. Garrett is the caretaker in me distilled and coupled with my sometimes fatalistic self. Kimmie is my happy/goofy mood with the perception and knowledge of people. Rachel isn't too far from myself close to that age, with the caretaker aspect not as well developed. Tim is me devoid of the "Kimmie" aspects.

Tim is a very sensitive and is usually not as self-absorbed, but he's still living under the pain and torment of having his own personal hell come true. He gave his heart and soul to someone, forever, and had to watch her wither away and die and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. He's still lost in his own pain and there's too much about his kids that brings up memories of the way things were or the way they should have been. He's utterly and totally mistaken, but his intentions are good---he's trying to be strong for his kids. He thinks the best face to put forward is the strong, calm one but he hasn't been able to distance himself enough (if at all) away from how his wife ran the family to be able to keep that up around his kids.

It should be clear, especially in his eyes, that this is a man who has pretty much died inside. He'd clawed his way up through the dross and shit of life over and over again and, when he finally allowed himself to believe that this time things might stay, he lost the person who meant the most to him. He's a hollow shell of who he used to be and it takes the confrontation with his daughter and the interference of this stranger to bring him back to life and put him in a position where he can try, however difficult it is, not to lose his daughter.

He's going through the motions in just about everything. While there's steel and fortitude in him, he's been pushed beyond the limits so many times that this time was the final straw for him. He's broken and hasn't had the energy or the impetus to put himself back together again. What he needs, more then anything, is help and he's not one who can ask for it.
:: Mikel 1:31 PM [+] ::
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I wish we'd had time to do rehearsals of the entire film before hand. Got some good stuff out of last night, but it's showing that Bill hasn't had many scenes yet that weren't some of the short, silent, montage scenes. We didn't get the time in rehearsals on characters to do much with Tim. I'll try to write a "thesis" on Tim a little later.


:: Mikel 11:20 AM [+] ::
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So I put a tracker on so I can see if anyone reads this and a few people have been referred here by a google search for "hot goth chicks".

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH
:: Mikel 3:43 PM [+] ::
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Reviewed two of the three tapes...the other tape should only have 2 scenes on it. (The first one we shot and 4L--I think). Checked and none of the shots we'll be doing this week corresponds to any of those. I'll check those later.

Went through the first one making notes on shots....fastforwarded so I had the correct number of takes and such and anything big on the 2nd tape. I see know why they use beautiful people in movies....you have to see close-ups of 'em for a few months afterwards. Can't say the guys do much for me, but our girls are certainly cute enough that it's not a chore. Reminds me to make it all female next time I do this. :)

Learned a few things on review:
Need to fiddle with manual/auto focus to get the best way to keep things in focus.
Low light settings can mess with the focus, though luckily the scenes this happened will be spliced up enough we can skip over those sections. Scene 62 almost looked like it needed to be reshot, but we have plenty of film on it from several different angles, we'll be fine.
The on-board mic works decently well up close, but it'll be good to hook the sound up through Orion's camera. There are times things were a little soft.
There IS a headphone jack on the VX1000. The manual for that thing sucks.

I'm getting more and more confident as I watched these tapes. There are some warts here and there, but some may be fixable in the edit or the particular problems we have (it's a very touchy tripod which likes to tilt a little) can be considered "for effect". I'd love to reshoot a few little things, but time and energy and availability make that rather impossible. That's what I get for starting out with a large project but, what the fuck, if you're gonna do it and are low on time...do it big.

I need to get out of the house for a bit. Too much in my head right now and too many ghosts floating around right now. It's been awhile since I was in a position like this..... it's the uncertainty that makes it suck. (Not to mention incredibly shitty timing complicating everything.) My mind's wrestling all over itself and can't quite make it's mind up. Just when it does, something comes along that makes me think twice, either way. It's hot in here, I'm antsy and need a distraction.

I think it may have been Bree I told that I thought I'd lost my passion. I only wish I'd been right.
:: Mikel 9:44 PM [+] ::
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BIG fucking mistake:

Currently on my Realjukebox list, in a row:

Don't Change your Plans For Me (Ben Folds)
Magic (Ben Folds)
Train Wreck (Glen Phillips--Demo)
If I am (Nine Days--Accoustic)
The Show Must Go On (Queen)
When I Fall (Barenaked Ladies)

The live, paino version of Hold On (Sarah Mc) is a few above this bracketed by Not The Same (Dinosaur Jr.) and Wise Up (Aimee Man).

Well, the sunshine's been drained from my day for awhile at least. Beautiful stuff, but Christ, can I order them.
:: Mikel 4:10 PM [+] ::
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Eric put together his demo CD on his computer and we listened to it last night. Also went out to Pickles where I ran into Tiffany and talked with her for awhile. She's adorable. Swapped numbers and we're supposed to do something when one of us has the time...which may be a little bit. Also got on well with the waitress.

She made a comment on my energy (I was in happy/goofy mood last night.... sort of a zen-performance space I get into sometimes, especially around people I don't see often, like Laura and Myriah) and then, to Myriah (who I had had my arm around earlier because we were joking we should be a hook up, except I'd be moving out ot Jersey at the same time and that whole thing with Jarad, her boyfriend, my friend) that she probably got used to this. Myriah told her that she doesn't see me that often and I remarked that we're friends but have very different schedules. The waitress seemed a bit pleased.

All in all, good things. I'll never be a mac daddy or a playah (I just love saying those), but maybe there's a bit more confidence there of late. It'd be nice.
:: Mikel 12:51 PM [+] ::
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It's always damn stuffy in my office. We need a fan or a window.
:: Mikel 4:30 PM [+] ::
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You know, I'm not really depressive or anything. I've just got a lot on my mind and some stuff that's more frustrating then anything else. A lot of this probably sounds a lot worse then it is.

Which, thankfully, doesn't sound nearly as bad as it did when I used to write up interps on the Toad List to work through a lot of shit. I'm amazed that I was never in any danger at slitting my wrists, looking back at those. Of course, it wasn't like things weren't bad, but still....
:: Mikel 11:19 AM [+] ::
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Put a bunch of mp3s on my computer at work since I can't play CDs. I can, however, use Data CDs, so I took a bunch of stuff and put it on a CD so I can listen on shuffle. Plainsong by the Cure and the accoustic version of If I Am (which I listened to the entire way back from Waukgan) by Nine Days. If the movie is picked up, I really want to incorporate the Dumb Shows (silent part, set to music) that I often use in my stage shows into them. Setting scenes of violence to Plainsong (action sequences, even) could harvest tremendous power in that the juxtaposition of this beautiful, soulfull music with action or violence gives increased resonance to both aspects.

Along the lines of using Opera in gangland hit scenes.

There are three films I want to make specifically about my life.

1: The first one centered around Dracula, Randy, and that whole amazing and fucked up time in my life. Betrayals that, while I can better understand them now, still defy reason. The closeness of the cast. Randy's cancer and the effects it had. Growth. Destruction. Small favors which meant the world. An infussion of passion that, to the person I was, caused only troubles and pain. Not sure where it would end..... perhaps the last time I left Jessica's...feeling better then I had in years and finally able to work at putting the pain of that time behind me and trying to look more at what made it amazing.

It truly was both the best and worst time of my life. Still hits me on occassion, but it's rare....usually triggered by something.

2: Teaching in Waeukgan. How those parts of myself that I had thought I'd lost forever took flight again. How difficult it was to leave, but how necessary it was. How much I loved my kids and all the things I wanted to do to make their lives better, but couldn't.

3: Well, my hope is that this part of my life may be starting now. I know how I'd like this one to end, if it's truly begun.
:: Mikel 11:15 AM [+] ::
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Fan kept me up as well as too many idle thoughts. Think I ended up with a decent amount of sleep---not too tired today but just had a lot on my mind.

You can go for so long without something gnawing at you and, next thing you know, your mind is on fucking overdrive and you have too many conflicting thoughts hurtling through the void. On one hand, Jersey can't come soon enough, but on the other......
:: Mikel 10:38 AM [+] ::
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Didn't get quite as much done as I'd hoped to today...we ended up starting a bit late, and people had to go by 4 (which still equalled about 5 hours of shooting, so complaining just makes me look like an ass.). A day to rehearse will help cut back the time we spend getting ready to shoot by a good amount. The tiny scenes, I think we can do as we get to them, but the ones with more dialogue need more work.

There were a couple camera angles I was thinking of originally that I scrapped for time and utility purposes. Going well, though, I think. I believe my actors know they're loved. (I can't pay you but, god damn it, I can appreciate the hell out of you.)

Next week will be stuff in Mahomet...Monday and Tuesday off, which will be nice. Since we're getting paid tomorrow, I can pick up videotapes to put the auditions and callbacks on to free up 3 more tapes and also make a log of what we have so far. Going to do some scheduling in a bit and see how much we actually have done now.

Hopefully it'll be impressive.

I'm wanting to write the next Invisibles. It's like a virus that lodges in your mind.
:: Mikel 9:39 PM [+] ::
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I wrote this for the other one, and it strikes me that it's stupid to put it on the one that appears second:
I think this will be in two segments. First one (probably this one) will be personal ramblings.

Second will be magic and art. The two may be combined, however..... not what I'll write, but the two themselves. Things are a little.... odd.... at the moment.

There....all nice and good.

Magic and Art.

While I can't pretend to be anywhere near the expertise of Grant Morrison, it dawns on me (as I look at this beautiful "Anarchy for the Masses" book, that I'm embarking on a similar journey, possibly. The Invisibles is a sprawling, twisted, and beautiful piece of work that, in the end, becomes a way for Grant to don a "fiction suit" of sorts to effect his own life through the things that happen to King Mob. (I'd say that seeing someone who looked like King Mob (and, therefore, Grant) this morning was a coincidence, but this is the Invisibles I'm talking about. I can't count on something like this being a coincidence when it touches on this series.)

Now, in what I've read of the interviews in Anarchy, Grant considers comics a far more magical medium then film or even straight prose. I can see why.... it's more immediate and controled through a few people instead of through tons of different mediums and people that dillute the raw energy placed into such an act. There are some filmmakers whose first films have an amazing vitality to them that, when they get good budgets, lose this amazing energy. (Near Dark, while not as polished, seethes with energy that the fine Strange Days lacks, for example. I haven't seen El Mariachi, but Desperado didn't work for me.) Is it their courage they lose? Do they stop taking chances? Does that tie into the fact that on the very low budget films, there is usually less people between the director, writer, and the audience? Who knows.

But I digress.

So, it's no secret that "The House on White Street" (I'm still not fond of that title) is, in a huge way, my wish for what I could do to help Jenni and some other students who I felt powerless to help in any way that would fix things. Garrett is very much me, without the wackiness. I see the ending to the other stories...I don't see the end to Garrett's.

If this were to become a magical work, much like the Invisibles, would it effect me the same as it effected Grant. (Morrison came close to death not long after King Mob nearly died in the series.) Is it more dilluted (and done by someone less experienced, obviously) due to the medium? Do I even know how to truly infuse it with magic?

I don't know. I want to infuse some magic into most anything I do. But sometimes you're just too close.
:: Mikel 3:12 PM [+] ::
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I think this will be in two segments. First one (probably this one) will be personal ramblings.

Second will be magic and art. The two may be combined, however..... not what I'll write, but the two themselves. Things are a little.... odd.... at the moment.

I've been accused of thinking too much. (Most importantly by myself and, let's face it, I'm in a much better position then you to determine if I do, indeed, think too much.) A friend of mine (the much missed Kendra Baker now some other last name, who I need to get in contact with again) used to joke that a girl would have to be naked on my lap and I'd still wonder if she liked me.

She's not far off. Thankfully, there's a little bit of "cute" in some of these stories I have and I can do self-deprecating as well as the next guy. Well, a bit of something's happened with a girl I know and I can't admit to being entirely sure what it is. If it's just going to be a fun fling through the summer, that's fine.... more of what I'm looking for, actually. (My horrendously unlucky sense of timing has once again reared its ugly head, though. It's kind of amusing how these things always seem to happen.) If it's just what it's been, it'll be disappointing. I don't use others and don't particularly enjoy being used, though I have to admit having someone there for a bit again was just what the doctor ordered. It was nice and fun, but I don't want it tainted, which would suck.

If she wants more, and I don't really think she does, it's odd... I'm not entirely adverse to the idea, but she's not really the one I'm all that interested in for something more substantial. I'd done well for quite some time not really having my eye on anyone, then a bunch of stuff happens and things end up all fucked up again.

We need shut-off switches for our hearts.

While I'm not sure where I stand with one, I thought I knew where I stood with the one above. Now I'm not so sure. And, while I have great courage and fortitude in a degree of areas, this isn't one of them.

It'd be easier if most people who only knew me a little could understand how fucking shy I can be when it comes to actually making myself vulnerable.

I can go through and list out the things that need to be fixed in myself. I even know, pretty much, how. Except that the things that need to be fix sort of make the how nearly impossible. Gotta love how fucked up that can be.
:: Mikel 3:00 PM [+] ::
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