:: Mikel's Mind ::

:: Tuesday, July 30, 2002 ::

Twin Peaks is facinating.

I wish the 2nd Season were going to be released soon.
:: Mikel 9:56 AM [+] ::
...

Bill is gone. Left on Sunday.

It's me, Ruben, and Emily now, though it's likely to be just me and Emily tonight. Ruben's going home tonight but coming back tomorrow to get more stuff and help us clean up the house. I'll miss it.

Found some of the few pictures I have of some old friends last night while cleaning. Some of me, Sarah, and Lyndsey wrestling on the couch. Stopped by, hoping to say goodbye to Lindsey, Lauren, and Vanessa, but only Lauren was around. She can be an odd duck.

Saw Bent-Till-Broken last night at the Highdive. Good show.

Kind of feel like writing more, but kind of feel like..... I'm tired.
:: Mikel 9:23 AM [+] ::
...

What's *Your* Sex Sign?

:: Mikel 10:16 PM [+] ::
...

I need a hug. Just contact of some kind, really. Days like this I really miss going to Sarah's and cuddling with her and her roomies. Or with June. Or the Goats. Or Kendra, Amy, and I. Or Mandy P. or Tessa from PIGs. Or Rachel. Or Michelle. Or Laura and Becca.

None of these were sexual or romantic, though there were a few I wish had been, but they were comfortable and at a time where sometimes I just needed to be able to sit next to someone and have an arm around them or theirs around me. 3 of the only people I've totally opened up to, even if briefly, are on that list.

I've gotten rid of actual ghosts, why can't I banish the metaphorical(physical?) ones.

Maybe it's best that the flim is coming to a close soon. I don't know. Moving looms over me like I'm making a giant fucking mistake. I'm probably not, but I've moved too much....left too much behind. I'm tired.

I'm going to miss the fuck out of Bill and Emily and Ruben. Of all the places I've lived, this was the first that felt like a home. Granted, it took a year.

I'm going to miss the people I've gotten to know. The people I care about. I'm not good at keeping connections.

God, I need a hug.
:: Mikel 4:26 PM [+] ::
...

Went to Karaoke with Liz, Sandy, Eric, Brittany, and Mandy (and some guy Mandy and Eric works with) last night. Put in my slips at about 10:45 and never got a chance to sing. About 10 minutes before closing, a couple girls in the karoake pit got into a fight. They threw alcohol at each other and one threw her pitcher. Sandy dived in to break them up and got caught in the middle of it. After, she went outside and was pretty shaky. I got out there first and waited with her until the others came out. She said she wasn't sure why she was going down there. I almost pulled her back in when she first went, but I wasn't entirely sure what was happening.


:: Mikel 2:50 PM [+] ::
...

Downloaded some of the clips while at lunch.

While you're going over them to get the In and Out times for a batch capture, the sound sometimes lags behind the video, making for a highly amusing Godzilla-esque dubbing look.

I'm going to miss working with these people.
:: Mikel 2:30 PM [+] ::
...

People seem to like the new haircut.

Tried getting a trick shot last night with Lowell...didn't work so well. I got on his shoulders and he hoisted me up for the shot....felt like he was going to drop me, so we didn't get it. May try it soon with someone lighter so I can hoist them up.
:: Mikel 11:05 AM [+] ::
...

Went to Goth night with Mandy, Liz, and Liz's friend Sandy last night. While Ruben and I were waiting for them to arrive, Amy, that traiterous slut, got me pretty tipsy. I'll miss my lesbian bartender plying me with free drinks. Normally, when female bartenders start giving you free drinks, you know they're only after one thing.

I've heard.

anyway

Had fun. Sandy reminds me of a movie star, but not one I can place. She often speaks in an almost cartoon adorable-child voice and was a lot of fun.

Talked with Liz for awhile on a number of subjects, some of which we agreed were odd to be talking about for various and sundry. Apparently, even with everything that had happened, Aaron still had fairly high praise for me. She said she was upset I was leaving as she wanted me to direct her in Oleanna. She said she doesn't trust a lot of people to get it right, but from what she's heard, she'd trust me directing it.

This from someone who's never seen anything I've directed.

People tend to trust me. It's kind of a curse, at times.

Got home about 3am, which was sort of a mistake, but one that was workable. I'd rather enjoy good company (Mandy, Sandy, and I went to Perkins after the bar closed) then be alert for work.

Getting stuff downloaded onto the computer...the batch capture options are a great help.

We cancelled a shot last night that we could have gotten. It would have been nice to get it, but what the fuck, eh?
:: Mikel 3:49 PM [+] ::
...

I need to perform again

Too many stories, too many people, too many things crowding my head, they need to be bled out and writing won't get it done fast enough right now. That part of me feels stagnant right now....I've done the writing for the film and, even though I'm doing some stuff here and there, I've spent far too long on shorter projects such as comics, where you're continually advancing and doing new things. The interpretive aspect of directing here seems moot, as most of it was done in the writing phase. I'm not discovering much, as I do when working on a play I haven't written. Part of what I like about theatre is the interpretive and collaborative aspects. We're getting interps from the actors, but it feels like that's it...everything else is me.

My one-man show should kick ass, though. Need the freedom and joy of pure, ungimmicky improv.
:: Mikel 1:23 PM [+] ::
...

Skating the edge of exhaustion again. Was up till 4am on...Saturday? I think.

Melinda thinks it might be caffinee.... I doubt it. Saturday, at least was because I had too much on my mind. Am I making mistakes in the things I'm doing? In the things I'm not doing? Why do I have courage in a lot of areas most don't, but lack confidence in other parts, which would make my life considerably easier if I had the courage I probably should.

Who would I have been if I hadn't come up the way I did? I think I know, but it's hard to imagine myself anymore without the accumulated experiences of my life and they way they've built me and marked me. These scars run deep but, for the most part, I carry them well. I get tired of floating in and out of people's lives. I'm tired of that car trip (at least it's been a car trip the last several times) where I know, deep in my marrow and without any doubt, that it's over and that this group of people whom I've come to love and care for are about to leave my life, forever. I've yet to be wrong, no matter how hard I tried.

We're getting near the end of filming, which is a little scary. Improv was my one theatre venue where the ghosts of Dracula didn't haunt me near the actual production. In Waukegan, the night before we went up with Jack the Ripper, it took every ounce of strength I could find to not break down. Dracula was my first family and would have been one of the happiest times in my life. But there was too much death, too much betrayal, too much pain and loss. At times, it was amazing. At other times.....

I keep expecting it to hit...it hasn't yet, but it could be because of the fragmented nature of the beast. Likely, it'll hit when I'm alone and editing it or during screenings. At least then, it won't interrupt anything I can't leave.

The new Athenaeum album (new-ish...came out a year or two ago, I just forgot about it and hadn't picked it up) isn't bad, but not as good as Radiance. The first song, Suddenly, is amazing. Maybe it's a lost wish-fullfillment thing, but it gives me an undercurrent of anger.

"Suddenly, everything changes
Suddenly, everything's fine
Suddenly, the words jump off the pages
Suddenly I'm alright." (which I always hear as "Suddenly, I'm alive.")
--Suddenly, Athenaeum

Too much fucking change. Too fluid, too painful, too ghostly, too haunted, too material, too adrift in this world to want fucking change to be the catalyst to make things better. All my life has been change and I'm fucking tired. Just one thing I love that I won't lose. Doesn't seem so much to ask. I'll likely spend my entire life searching for "Home" and there are days I can't work up the energy to think that it'll ever be there for me in the end.

I've lived my entire life like this. I don't want to die like this.

"Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
and fly away to someone new."
--Holiday in Spain, Counting Crows

A-fucking-men.

Possibly.
:: Mikel 1:16 PM [+] ::
...

This time I got this:


I'm Logan
What X-Men Character are You?
:: Mikel 10:52 AM [+] ::
...

I shouldn't have come into work today, but I did. Stupid me.

Last week, I had one night where I didn't go to bed before 3 and that was at 2, I think. I've had things on my mind, but that wasn't what was keeping me up, though some of these things are looming far too close for comfort at the moment and are bothering the shit out of me.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired and all I want right now is to be able to let the guards down and just hurt somewhere where it's not just me. Too many things right now that might be mistakes, might be regrets, might be the best thing for me and I can't know. Spent my entire life having the people and places I love torn from me. I've never been good at going back...I'm not good at staying. Seems I've said goodbye more times then I've said hello in my life.

Now I've met some wonderful people and sometimes it almost feels like I have a home here.

And I'm leaving.
:: Mikel 11:57 AM [+] ::
...

Cuz I'm listening to it and am in one of those moods.

"It seems like Daylight is coming, and no one is watching but me."
"And it's a dangerous time for a heart on a wire, shuttled from station to station noisly not knowing why"
"And what brings me down now is love."
--Goodnight LA

"It just gets hard to believe that god sent this angel to watch over me, cause my angel, she don't receive my calls"
--Miami

"I just want to have a good time,
just like everybody else
and I don't want to fall apart this time
so would you please invite me in."
--Good Time

"And all this solitude is my confidence eroding."
--Carriage

"You've been waiting for a long time
to fall down on your knees
cut your hands
cut yourself until you bleed
But fall asleep next to me."
--Black and Blue

"I may take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
fly away to somewhere new."

"She's my angel
She's a little better then the one that used to be with me"

"Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on"

"O well, happy new years baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
or we could simply pack our bags
and catch a plane to Barcelona cause this city's a drag"

--Holiday in Spain

Music where I want to sit alone on a wooded beach and watch the ocean roll in and just hurt until the woman I dream of comes to hold me.
:: Mikel 11:26 AM [+] ::
...

Picked up the new Counting Crows album, and it's wonderful. I didn't like "This Desert Life" so much. It felt like the weaker transition album between the very strong "August and Everything After" and "Recovering the Satallites." This one feels more like the next natural step instead of a half-step. I've fallen in love with a few songs already...we'll see how well it lasts.

Two more scenes at my house to be shot this Friday. Shooting with Danielle tonight and I'll have Galen, Soley, and maybe Ricky to play would-be rapists, which amuses me to no end since they're all three generally sweet people.

I've been up too late recently. The last night or two I've been up till at least 2-3am. No sleep for the wicked.
:: Mikel 1:59 PM [+] ::
...

Wrote a montage scene to use for Rachel, Alex, and Garrett getting to know each other. Got a cool shot from in front of the TV of Garrett and Alex playing video games while Rachel watches. 3 scenes knocked out yesterday. Should get 4 today. yay! We're getting there.

Shooting with Danielle on Wednesday...should be cool. I'm hoping to find 3 of the nicest guys I can to make them seem like would-be rapists. No one'll get the joke but me and them, but it'll give me chuckles.

Last night, I got the chance to get to know a little better one of the more interesting people I've met in awhile.

All in all, good evening, though it started a bit rough.
:: Mikel 10:39 AM [+] ::
...

A reminder to me, because damn it, I need it on occassion: (Inspired by a yesand thread)

I'm intelligent.
I'm caring.
I'm funny, warm, and compassionate, though I've been a bit surly of late, perhaps.
I'm creative.
I'm ambitious.
I'm good with people, generally.
I give good hugs.
I give great backrubs.
I've had it verified by two ladies recently that I give great oral sex. (Like, knees shaky/can't walk oral sex)
I like to cuddle.
I like people. Usually.
I can keep childlike wonder about some things while also retaining the ability to be serious and tackle issues that need to be tackled.
I'm cute in an unusual, kind of sneaks up on you way.
I've had some geniunelly amazing, beautiful people interested in me, even if I couldn't get involved with some of them for various reasons.
I can be a good listener.... though I talk a bit too much of late, perhaps.
I like to be goofy.
I'm a moderate (very moderate) drinker.
I don't smoke, kill children, or try to convert people.
I have an odd sense of humor that, damn it, I think is endearing.
Parents seem to love me, even with long hair.
I'm an incrable romantic.
I'm also a realist.
I have faith in people.
I have faith in life.
I can be mysterious.
I can be articulate.
My conditional shyness is found to be cute by some.
When I'm comfortable, I'm good at making others feel the same way.
I'm personable.
I have a wide-varitey of life experience.
I am strong willed.
I'm a hell of a catch.

Damn it.... I need to remind myself of these things more often.
:: Mikel 12:54 PM [+] ::
...

It's late...not as late as I've been going to bed, but I'm still tired.

Picked up Coraline at lunch and have been reading it. 67 pages in, which also happens to be the end of the 1st CD of the Coraline audio book, so I'm caught up there. I enjoy hearing Gaiman read it, but I'll save it for a trip or a lazy day at home. (hah)

Shot out at the house today. Did a quick shot with Marshaun in the living room. Orion, Marshaun, and I ordered a pizza and waited for Bill to arrive. We were somehow talking about martial arts films and martial arts in general when Bill got there. I miss taking Aikido..I'd love to take Drunken Boxing or Shao Lin. Time is, as ever, a problem.

We set up fairly quickly in my parents bedroom for the (supposedly) quick scene between Garrett and Tim. We decided to use the mirror in the room to get a fairly neat shot. We ended up with 18 takes, since we were doing it all in one shot. Problems with hiding Marshaun so he could sneak over and sit on the bed when Bill opened the mirrored door to the closet.... problems with the zoom.... playing with the scene itself. Took awhile, but I think it's a fairly cool shot.

Then we got another scene outside, which I'm glad we got even though I was ready to call it quits after the longer shoot earlier. We got it outside and out of the way since we'd been waiting for evening to get the shot done till now.
:: Mikel 12:07 AM [+] ::
...

Okay...let's start with the weekend.

Friday, left work a bit early and went to Chicago with Erik to see Ben Folds. Caught some traffic on the way up but we finally got to a place where we weremoving pretty briskly. Called Matt up to see about him meeting us to get something to eat. Hit traffic again. Made it to the Vic in time, but the line was around the block and it took us some time to find parking. We had to call Matt and call it off.

The concert was incredible. Ben Folds is an amazing musician and an even better entertainer. He had great rapport with the audience. We did some Harmonies for him, he held an impromptu Q&A session, he broke 2 piano wires. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. They were taping the show...I hope they release it uncut.

Got home late. Went to bed even later.

Saturday, got paid. Picked up Buffy Season 2, Memento: Special Edition, Audition (freaky fucking film), A Beautiful Mind, and I'm thinking one more thing that's escaping me at the moment. Left on Saturday to go to Perdue to see Robin Williams.

Robin Williams was everything you'd hope Robin Williams to be. We were no more then 25-30 feet away from him, if that.

So, it was a good weekend for shows.

Sunday, I did some filming with Bill in Mahomet. Dad helped make a track for the dolly so we could do a rolling shot with it that hopefully will look quite cool. Shot some outside stuff that we'll need to get some bits with Melinda and Brian later on.

Monday, after work, we shot 1/2 of the argument scene with Melinda and Bill. A number of angels were used, so it took a little while. I think there's one really cool angle and the others aren't bad. The scene came out well.

Erik, Brittany Phillips (the Brittany I'm flirty with, Britt, not you--though if you were closer, I'd make you feel loved), Lowell, Orion and I swam for a bit in the pool and then played "I Never" in the hot tub. Good times, though I got home late and went to bed, once again, late.

Toinght, we're doing some shooting with Bill and Marshaun in Mahomet.
:: Mikel 3:41 PM [+] ::
...