It was easier to play with Carson and Nick today, as I wasn't as exhausted as I was yesterday. Opening presents was a lot of fun. The paper fight...well, I'm not sure who started the paper fight but we were all in on it. I seemed to get an inoordinate amount of attacks for the ones I delivered.
We laughed a lot and teased each other and it was good. Helped keep my mind off of her for a bit, though she's never truly far from my thoughts. I keep wanting to find the right thing to say, the right things to show her what's so damn clear to me and, honestly, I think to her as well.
I want to call her just to hear her voice and cannot wait for Tuesday morning when I'll see her. I have hope when I'm around her. The way she looks at me..... I never thought anyone would look at me like that. I want to be so many things, just for her. I know I'm better for her and for her son then he is. And I respect that she doesn't want to put her son through more change, but this would be a change for the better, I know. I can't promise her forever, but it feels like I could. I've never felt this way about anyone. Not this strongly, and not this free with who I am.
I've given her what I've given no one else. That part of me I guard the most.
In Michigan, surprised how much my cousin Carson (6) was looking forward to seeing me. Played with him quite a bit, but I got no sleep last night and none two nights before that. I'm currently emotionally and physically drained. He's a great kid, though, incredibly funny.
Trying not to let her dominate my thoughts and failing miserably. I didn't want to fall in love, not with the situation as it is. I have to trust things will turn out well but it's hard. Really hard.
This scares the hell out of me.
:: Mikel 7:23 PM [+] ::
...
:: Sunday, December 15, 2002 ::
Been awhile, I know. Quite awhile. Christmas is coming up and I'll be heading to Michigan for a four day weekend shortly.
Picked up a new firewire drive yesterday so I can finish editing. In the middle of the arduous task of downloading CDs and correcting names. I've got to start kicking ass on editing again. The break was needed but now it's time to get back to work.
Work is going well. I've met some very cool people including one who's become a good friend. I'd missed working with people for the past few years.
I suppose there would be a lot to write, but I'm not entirely sure who reads this.
:: Mikel 9:51 AM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, September 12, 2002 ::
Editing.
*sigh*
It's not all that bad, really, kind of fun, but I've learned so much from editing that I wish I could have transpanted into the actual shooting. Coverage of hands and closeups, though we were often limited in that because of time. When shooting a 2 1/2 hour film, your time is at a premium. Not cutting before someone's walked off screen, if that's what they're doing.
Lingering a bit longer at the beggining and ending of shots.
One shot, which should have been pretty simple is going to be a bitch to make it look at all decent, though I've got some ideas on how to do it. Alex walks into Garrett's House, calls out a few times, and walks into the living room. No one's there except for one shot where we can see Garrett watching him against a wall. Getting it so that the cut isn't jarring is difficult, though if I cut to that scene earlier it might look better, but there's possibilities of losing the impact of the shot. Reversing what I had planned might work... I'll have to play with it more. For the rough cut, though, I don't think I'm going to mess with it anymore. I'm wishing the angle was massively different for the two times he walks by instead of just a little different.
Jarad likes to perch over my shoulder and watch while I'm editing, which bugs the shit out of me. I don't mind people seeing the finished (even the finished rough) clip, but going through the clips or wihle editing them.... it feels like I should be apologizing for them. It's like my first drafts of somthing, if it's particularly rough.... those things are kind of embarrasing in pieces and on their own and are things feel silly, like I'm trying at something I should't be. As much of this is me seeing all the things that never quite made it but it's also that it's a drama and doesn't make a lot of sense without the rest of it. I'd be better if it were one of my actors there, since they've been through the whole thing, but to have someone over my shoulder makes me very self-concious instead of letting me concentrate on what I need to do.
It's going to be odd, at the end, since it'll have to compare to the movie in my head. Because of equipment problems, lack of much of a crew, time, and the equipment itself, the camera's not particularly dynamic. We've got several scenes done in 1, which I hope will work. My theatre background shows itself in the movie.
So, anyways, I know exist within Dover, NJ. The trip here was looooooooooooooooooooong, though at times it went quickly. I hit rain in a few spots, most noticeably when it came down hard during construction in Ohio at night. Ohio can be knuckle-whitening as it is, with roads that twist and turn almost before you've had a chance to see where you're at. And the entire time through Pennsyvania there wasn't a damn thing to see anywhere around the road, which, since it was post midnight and I'd been on the road 11-12 hours, didn't make the drive much easier. Arrived at Dover about 4am, NJ time, which made it 3 CST and means I'd been on the road about 14 hours.
Dover seems nice enough. Now, in most of the world, Mankind has taken it on themselves to radically alter the landscape to his own ends. Here, they seemed to have decided to go with the contours of the land so everything is either on a really steep hill (I live at the top of a San Francisco-esque hill) or on a curve. It gives driving the feeling of being on a giant roller coaster. Today I went around a road to avoid a wreck and went through some backstreets that should have taken me far on the otherside of the wreck. When I got back to the main street, I was actually further back....it was enough to produce an almost-physical feeling of vertigo.
And the drivers here can be maniacs.
Yes, this is coming from me.
We've got ducks and a pond behind the apartment complex and some friends of Jarad live two doors down. I have a 2nd interview at TGIFridays today....probably have the job. Editing has been going well, though some scenes edit themselves quickly and some edit themselves rather slowly.
You can go here to see pics of the apartment and the surrounding area:
New Jersey is apparently the most densley populated state in the Union. Looking across the street from us, at the gigantic graveyard there, I'm guessing that everyone who's ever died in New Jersey is buried there. It's gigantic. Makes me want to shoot a zombie film.
:: Mikel 12:09 PM [+] ::
...
Tired....need to sleep more. (That drive on saturday is going to SUCK.)
Got home from work yesterday and took my time logging the last tape (so far...gonna shoot a very little more with Marshaun on Friday.) Went to White Horse to meet up with people.
Had the shit surprised out of me---Kelly and Brittany had made it down. No one was expecting them there. We didn't get a chance to sing with the three of us. :( Sang some karaokee, hung out with friends. Had 2 pitchers of Rum and Coke. It's a good thing Brittany drove Kelly in...she drove my car back home. I'd have had to wander campus for an hour or two, getting sober.
Galen, Carla, Eric, Lowell, Kelly, Brittany, Megan, Mandy, Amanda (friend of Lowell's...seems like a sweetie) were all there. Hoping to see Howie, Soley, and Kari on Friday, as well. Good people.
:: Mikel 11:50 AM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, August 28, 2002 ::
Brittany called at 8:30 this morning to see if I wanted to head up to Chicago to hang with her and Kelly today, since they can't stay up there tomorrow. (Kelly has to work.) I can't go two nights in a row, so I'll just head up tomorrow to see Matt, who I don't see all that often, though it's tempting.
Took a bunch of stuff to Jarad's parents and loaded up their van. Could have brought more stuff, but this way I'll have a decent amount of my things out there, which'll be nice.
Tired. Really, really tired.
:: Mikel 11:32 AM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, August 27, 2002 ::
Going to have to give up on a couple scenes from the film. grrrr.
Went to meet Marshaun today but we couldn't find each other on the quad...turned out to be Quad day. Great timing, eh? I did run into Nori (an old student), Melinda, Kari, and another girl I've met before while I was out there, which was cool. I've been running into people I haven't seen in years quite a bit lately. Not sure it's making things easier.
My firewire drive has been lying. 30GB turned into 10 when I was defragmenting it, which explians why it says I kept running out of space. I've got enough to probably get everything else now. Burn a few more discs tomorrow and finish downloading. I've got 84 CDs so far of burnt clips. That's a lot.
Saw Shaun and Chad Hughes' parents last night at Best Buy and Applebee's, repspectively.
Got an answer to something that has been gnawing at me for awhile. (Well, pretty much have my answer.) Not exactly what I'd hoped, but probably for the best. I wish these things were more controlable, but you can't control you heart. I've tried. You only end up falling more for the wrong person.
A lot to do between now and Saturday. Going to visit Matt in Chicago on Thursday. Small party/gathering on Friday. Karaoke on Wednesday. Not going to get to see the Mafia because they postponed the show a week. :( Makes things I have to do tonight easier, but still....
:: Mikel 3:19 PM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, August 22, 2002 ::
Last night was good.
Picked up "She's Full of Secrets: Critical Approaches to Twin Peaks." Looking through it, it seems to be better then the similar one for Buffy (though I'm looking forward to reading the article on Asian Cinema's influences in Buffy). Also got the Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown Collector's DVDs, cheaply, at Best Buy.
Hung out with Eric for a little while before going to White Horse. Had a great time. Sucked at the first song I sang, Drops of Jupiter, which is slightly out of my range. I've performed infront of more people then were there last night and never had a problem. However, until I have a few drinks in me, I'm a little nervous at Karaoke. After I had a bit, I was fine and seemed to do well. Sang with Eric, Brittany, Kelly, Megan, Kari, and Meghan on a few songs. Saw Ariel and talked to her briefly.
We had, at the table next to us, this absolutely adorable brunette. Tiny thing, cute as hell. At one point, she was sort of getting her groove on, but looked a bit self-concious. Should have gone over and talked to her. I was in full fun mode last night...had a really good time. Danced with Britt and Kelly. Got molested by Britt, Kelly, and Mandy. (Gee, that's rough, ain't it?)
This is the sort of shit I should have been doing during college. Worked too much.
Tonight, we do some shooting.
:: Mikel 11:58 AM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, August 21, 2002 ::
Things I've learned from cutting the film,thus far:
Let scenes breathe at the begging and the end more. These help with transitions into and out of the scene, as well as allowing extra time for reactions, which are cut short if action is called too quickly.
Transitions look very natural on the page but could easily be jarring in the film. Pillow shots, japanese film technique that uses a nature shot to show passage of time, are very helpful.
I wouldn't want someone else to put my stuff together. Rodriguez has the right idea. One of the joys of film, and theatre, is that it's a collaboartive medium. However, since editing is such a re-construction of the work... one that con completely alter it... I'm not sure I'd trust someone else to do it. Help with it, yes, but I'd need to be the one doing it. The more you do on your own, the better off you are.
It's coming together better then I'd expected. Music, of course, will add a good deal to the dramatic tension.
The next film is 90-minutes. 5 characters max. 2-3 days of time passing and only a few locations.
I've got two more tapes to download, I'll be trying to get one tonight. Probably won't get any editing done tonight, but that's okay.
Haven't been sleeping much. Woke up the other morning at 6am with too much on my mind. Head keeps spinning around and around a whole lot of things.
Gone in a week and a half. It's probably for the best, but I can't help but feel very mixed about it. Things'll turn out. Looks like I might be helping organize an Improv jam and hopefully some other stuff, in NY. Getting shit lined up early.
Worked on Saturday, which was cool since I saw Sarah during the day at Espresso and, not knowing I was working, she came to the club with Brennan, Melissa (who is an absolute doll....I just want to pick her up and squeeze her) and Lauren and some others. It was good to see them and gave me something to do while working.
Sunday was fun, though the cast isn't much for parties. Got to see the clips and people had to take off. Bill came later and hung out with me, Kelly, and Lowell for awhile. He had never seen the Big Lebowski, and everyone I know is always up for seeing that one again. So we watched it. yay! We chatted for awhile until Eric, Britt, Mandy, Kari, and Megan showed up, where we chatted more and ended up downstairs. People left around 2:30am or so. It was a good time and was a bit of a cuddle-fest by the end, which is always nice.
Kelly kicks ass. I missed her.
Going to download more clips tonight...maybe watch Singing in the Rain. Possibly do some editing later toinght.
Ran into Ariel, the cute girl at White Horse, this afternoon and chatted with her between cars for a bit. I'll see her at the bar on Wednesday, at least.
:: Mikel 2:28 PM [+] ::
...
:: Friday, August 16, 2002 ::
I went to Espresso Royale last night to get editing done. At home, I have a huge variety of distraction. (Need to see Singing in the Rain, which Melinda lent me, and I just got The Blade in....great martial arts film.) I was also being asked a ton of question by the 'rents (I miss having my own place) and really just wanted to be left alone for awhile. So, I went in and plugged in the computer, firewire drive, hooked up the keyboard, and got read to do some editing.
Some of what I learned:
1: The cuts looked sudden and very obvious. This freaked me out until I wanted the TV for a bit. When you're looking for the cuts yes, they look awkward. When you're not, you don't notice them. That's why they're called cuts. They're supposed to be sudden. It's difficult to pull yourself back when watching your own stuff (at least at this point in my editing experience) without the cuts seeming far too disconcerting because that's what you're paying attention to.
2: Treat Premiere on my computer with kid gloves. Be patient. Be slow with moving things around while it's in the middle of a clip. It's faster to watch that 30-second clip AGAIN then it is to reboot the computer, shut everything but Systray and Explorer down, and restart Premiere.
3: Save often.
4: I should have started editing during the shooting. I'm seeing a few shots I want to go back and get...pillow shots, mostly, but still...
5: Save often.
6: Why the FUCK does the screen just go black on occassion and the computer reboot itself? Why the FUCK does this always happen right when I'm doing something and forgot to save the last 2-3 cuts.
7: Editing scenes that are done in one, and we have several, is much, much easier then ones with lots of cuts. I should do those first, just to get them out of the way.
8: Keeping a log before I got into editing of clip qualitiy wouldn't have helped me much. I still feel the need to rewatch all the clips for a scene and then piece them together.
9: I may actually get a rough cut done before I go. Yay.
:: Mikel 10:37 AM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, August 14, 2002 ::
So, after Premiere crashed, I went back up and re-edited the sequence. Saved it halfway through and didn't run into any problems. (Part of this may have been because I was able to do it without having to check the footage quite so much. A second computer could make that really helpfull, actually, processing wise.)
It was fun, so far. I did a bit with sound in the one that froze and was able to do it without having to do the sound trick the second time. (I think. Can't quite remember...I may have done it both times.) On the smaller scenes, editing will be pretty easy, but the longer ones are going to need a lot of preplanning to make sure I know generally what clips will go where so I don't end up watching every clip to see if something else needs to go there. The long ones are gonna suck.
Keyboard went out today. Thought it was the connector, which was looking a bit off, so I got new connectors. Nope...keyboard. Hopefully I'll still need the connectors, because they were $10.
Karaoke tonight. Maybe.
:: Mikel 4:18 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, August 13, 2002 ::
Spent a very nice few hours walking and talking with Melinda. She's a great person and should never let herself feel otherwise. I see great things from her.
In other news:
Editing is kind of fun
BUT
I got most of Scene 1 edited...about 10-12 cuts, perhaps, and was getting the last part of it ready to go when Premiere froze up. I need to save more often on my laptop.
*grumble grumble*
It's waiting upstairs. Most likely, it hasn't fixed itself.
:: Mikel 11:35 PM [+] ::
...
Got a headache.... possibly from eyestrain. not certain.
Went to bed at 11 last night, which is fairly early for me. Got up at 7 and couldn't go back to sleep. *grumble grumble* so i got in early and leave early. yay! Looking forward to Karaoke on Wednesday.
Was going to do some editing last night but, as I was going to finish up the last bunch of clips on Tape 9, the firewire drive ran out of space. Burnt a CD last night and I'm on the 8th CD today. Brought my computer in to work and have been having it burn CDs. If I can get 7 or so burnt in a day and keep this up, I can get most of the burning done here and not worry about it at home. I'm freeing up space, too. I'll download the last of Tape 9 and leave the rest of the tapes for later...think I may edit some tonight, depending. I could use a night off.
May give Melinda a call...see what she's up to. She's the sort of person I wish I'd met before now.... I don't know her all that well, but she strikes me as an amazing woman. Good head on her shoulders. Doesn't put up with my shit. Similar minded to myself in some ways. I'd like to leave as friends with her, but can't decipher what she thinks. If she doesn't want anything to do with me... if she wants to be friends, or what. She's someone I can't read, which is frustrating.
:: Mikel 3:43 PM [+] ::
...
:: Monday, August 12, 2002 ::
I should make music videos. I'd have done a much better job of "I Know You're Outhere" by Our Lady Peace.
Music triggers a lot of visuals for me. I'd make it like a John Woo film.... the kind of video where people watch it as much for the visuals as for the song. People forget that, ideally, a video is more then just the band playing. There's no thought or creativity in that. Hell, Spike Jonze did some great work where the band isn't even featured. (Christopher Walken dancing in the hotel.) It's the kind of thing that you watch because it's a work of beauty on its own merits and not merely a lame advertisement for a band.
:: Mikel 11:22 AM [+] ::
...
Romatnically, my Cynic meter should probably be higher. My luck has never been particularly good.
Too much in my head, as always. A certain someone who invades my thoughts. Wish I could control that sort of thing... hell, if I figured out a way to do that, I could become rich. Most everyone wishes they could control their heart.
Anyways.....
Worked Friday and Saturday night. Fairly boring each night, but I got $60/night instead of the usual $50, which was nice. Shooting with John Tilford today at 1, which should be fun. There are only a very few scenes left, and we may be able to get most or all of them done this week.
One of my constant sources of amazment is my ability to lose the articulation and eloquence I have when what I'm saying leaves my vulnerable. Before and after, I have everything perfect in my head. I could sit down later and tell you everything I meant to have said and how it would have come out just right. When it comes to actually doing so, however, the pathway between my mouth and head get strangled. And it wasn't like the person I was talking to was even the one I'm worried about.
I'm reminded of, long ago, Rachel trying to find out what was wrong and I wasn't even able to tell her how in love I was with Betsy. It's rediculous, really. If I were a puritan, I'd be flagellating myself right now. Who knows...might work, except I don't generally enjoy the whole "pain" thing. It hurts.
I found out that it looks like I'll be able to do all the editing on my laptop. (yay!) Messed around with it over the weekend. I'll do more tonight...start getting serious about it. I also need to back up a ton of stuff so that I can clear off some space. I'll be bringing my computer into work so that I can burn CDs of the data and, during lunch, edit the film here, too.
I'd like to go to Allerton this week. Maybe spend the rest of it working my ass off on editing so that I may actually have a rough cut on Sunday. (Of course, hopefully we'll be able to do a little filming this week.)
Played Dance Dance Revolution with Eric for awhile the other night. Brittany came over last night and she, Erik, and I watched Adult Swim. I don't think I've ever laughed as hard and as consistently as I did while watching the shows they had on. The Brak Show and Space Ghost Coast to Coast are no-brainers. The Oblongs, Seaquest 2021, Harvey Birdman, and Home Movies were awesome. I was wiping tears out of my eyes for most of it. Home Movies has a Dr. Katz feel to it, but is more consistently funny.
:: Mikel 10:47 AM [+] ::
...
So Erik's going to be staying at my parents for a few nights, which is cool.
Last night, Becca and Laura bailed on us, but Liz, Mandy, Erik, and Galen all came out. Liz, Galen, Erik, and myself played Dance Dance Revolution for awhile before Mandy got there.
Mandy actually took her sweet time getting there. How surprising.
We swam for a bit in chilly waters and then went into the hot tub, which is was more of a warm tub. We ended up putting the cover back over the tub and letting it heat up. Mandy showed up and we ordered Pizza and watched Amelie, which is such a wonderful movie. A few things that I hadn't caught (such as why he runs after the man in the beggining....I thought he was running away from Amelie) became aparant. Everyone dug the movie. I'd watched the last part of the commentary on Say Anything before Liz, Galen, and Erik showed up.
I was actually downloading the segments where Galen (who's a sweetheart) played a would-be rapist. He got to watch the raw footage being downloaded.
He sounded like a pirate for a few of the takes, which I found very amusing.
We ended up back in the hot-tub later. Erik and Galen were going to jump back into the pool. After a bit, Liz went out to join them and Mandy and I chatted for a bit. We decided to join them, but everyone was standing on the pool deck talking... they'd chickened out. We got out of the hottub around 1am or so and we got changed and were talking in the kitchen until 2:30 or so, when everyone left.
It was fun, though I'm a bit on the tired side right now.
Finished Robert Rodriguez's Rebel Without a Crew the other day and I'm currently reading the Evil Dead Companion. (Well, I'm actually reading a printout of one of the people who did tech in Evil Deads' journal that he put online. It's a transcription of his diary from way back then in '79 and is sort of interesting. The Evil Dead Companion provides the url. It's now located at www.deadite.com.
Working tonight at the bar.
Fighting the urge to disappear off the face of the earth and show up in a few years as mankinds saviour, mainly because I haven't quite mapped out the road between those two points.
Wondering about some things. Tired of chains I can't seem to shed. Trying to be more optomisitic in parts of my life that I tend not to be.
:: Mikel 5:22 PM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, August 08, 2002 ::
Went to White Horse last night for Karaoke with Erik and Brittany. Liz showed up later and Mandy didn't make it. We had a good time.
Erik and I sang Stayin Alive (well, I sang Stayin Alive....you could barely hear Erik) and I sang Everything You Want by Athenaeum. A hot blonde who dances like a stripper asked if she could join me on it. She danced with me while we sang "Anything for Love" by Meatloaf later with Brittany and some guy named Kevin that she knows. Erik wanted me to get her number...he thought she was into me, but she seemed to be into an awful lot of people.
Had a good time, though. Got complimented on my voice by a few people, which was nice.
:: Mikel 10:45 AM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, August 07, 2002 ::
One of the good things about being me is that I'm able to control my dreams. I used to be more adept at being pulled into other people's dreams, when they called me, but when my mind's been as muddled as it has been.... as full and as concerned.... I'm not so good at. I do not, however, have nightmares unless things have been really, really bad. (Very, very, very, very, very, very rarely.)
I have a reocurring.... daydream isn't quite the right word for it. It has to do with the way my mind works and, not being anyone else, I can't be entirely certain anyone else thinks like this. There's constantly narratives of some sort running through the back of my mind. Often, it's with stories that are half-formed. The beautiful thing about this is that some of them will spring up to me after forgetting them for years, fully formed and telling me how they go together. Dream of Heroes is in near-constant work back there, for example, and has evolved a lot in the 10 years its been in my head.
This one always begins the same and it's the closest thing to a nightmare I have. The draw to it is intense... it's part wish-fulfillment, part that scrape on the roof of your mouth from eating Fruit Loops that you can't stop tounging. I am, however, cognizant enough not only of reality, but of the way the mind and heart works to know that this is wish-fulfillment in the worst sense of the word.
For awhile, I'd have given anything to perform Dracula one last time with my best friend at my side--- no cancer eating at his life. My other friends--the first time I had any sense of belonging or family---there as well, without the difficulties stemming from Randy's sickness and death that eventually showed the worst part of too many people. Before they turned their backs on Randy and on me.I know now, of course, that this would only rip open wounds that haven't been tended to enough to truly heal. The unconcious, however, is tricky.
I'm in a dark room. It's cold and the air echoes in the way it only does in a theatre. A light slowly comes up around me. That set will forever be burned into my memory....even seeing part of it, I'd know it. I'm dressed as Renfield and am told that my wish has been granted. As hard as I try to fight it, as much as I beg for this not to happen, I'm pulled back into the performance. I have to watch this time and these people, who will never come again, one last time knowing that this is the end.
It's hard to explain to someone unless they either saw the performance (which made an impact on a great many people that I've talked to) or were part of it. None of us, even those who were more then twice my age and had been doing theatre all their lives, had ever been a part of anything like it before. It was that magic that theatre can draw up from the secret places we long ago forgot existed. And the sickness eating at the heart of one of the most loved in the production, one of the best friends I've known, seemed to pull us together even more.
It's why acting brings so much pain to me now.
I have to watch from offstage when I'm not on. And I know every scene counts down closer and closer to the ending. The audience is filled with all the people I've lost over my life. All the people I've loved; all the friends who've weaved their ways in and out of my life. At the end, during the bows, I watch everyone fade until it's just Randy and I in the spotlight. Held back, I fight desperately to somehow stop him from fading and there's nothing I can do. I have to lose him again. Powerless. Weak. Desperate.
While it could make for an excellent film, comic, even play if fleshed out more, I hate that I get drawn into it. I hate that it haunts me with another glimpse of that time that, no matter how desperatly I might wish to have it, know that even if it were available to me would lead to more pain and return me to the state I was in after his death.
I worked hard to keep myself together and stop myself from retreating completely after that happened. I had the help of some people who probably don't realize how much they helped me just by caring. I can't go back to that. I'm tired of visiting it.
Got another tape downloaded last night and picked up a stack of 100 blank CDs today. I ended up driving into and around Champaign last night. The house makes me antsy and I had so much shit on my mind that I had to get out for a little bit...try to distract myself.
Didn't work so well.
I looked, over lunch, for the Buffalo Tom 'greatest hits' album. Mainly for the song Larry. It's been running through my head alot and, though it's not truly an angry song, there's an amazing feeling of anger welling up from inside of it. Especially when I sing it, in the mood I'm in. It's one of those perfect outlet for rage songs in a song that wouldn't seem to be able to contain it. Kind of like the extended, angry version of Counting Crow's Around Here that I have on one of the bootleg tapes that were made for me. It's amazing to hear it, because you can't recognize the song at first. After, the album version seems foreign to you. For as well as it mopes and bottles meloncholy on the album, the anger and pain he puts into the live version (well, THAT live version...I've heard about 5...all different and all beautiful) is incredible. When he's screaming at the audience "Can't you see me! Can't you see me!" it's something just this side of a religious experience. That, along with the 13 minute version on the Angel of the Silences CD are incredible listens.
I came back into this town in the wee hours of the morning on July 1, 2000. Slipping in like a ghost, I stumbled up the stairs of my parents house and into my old bedroom to collapse. I listened to one song the entire way down. I'll most likely leave the same way, trekking out in the small, quiet hours. Hopefully with someone for company, but more then likely on my own. At least this time, I'm making my move towards a friend instead of away from everyone.
I'm tired and wish to be able to tame my heart and escape my circumstances. A lot of which, I know, are my own problem and making. I have a very hard time letting anyone in and those I let in seem to be the first I lose contact with when I disappear from wherever I've landed. The ones that I don't care much for...the ones who are more acquantances then anything else...they seem to stay. And often, aren't good for me. There are so many people I want to go back to.
My life, epecially since Randy's death, has been punctuated by extraordinarily difficult times followed by a long period where I'm almost in stasis... recovering from what's gone before. I know that I can't do these things on my own, but I have no idea how not to. It's always easier to let yourself be an ear and shoulder for someone else's problems and keep pushing your own back until you reach those early mornings where there's nothing there but you and your thoughts. Nights were movies, games, walks, driving, music... nothing can take you away from the prision your head is creating for you.
I've been having those nights more often as of late, and I know exactly why.
I just don't know how to stop it...well, I do know, I just don't know how to begin in any way that I'd be able to begin. I could write a million scenarios for how someone should get the ball rolling but if I were to ever try it, all the doubts and fears and ghosts of my life throw themselves in my face and tear me away from any ability to fix this. I'm not sure if it's ironic or just pathetic that the very thing that's keeping me from fixing this is the exact same thing that needs fixed.
I'd give a lot right now to go back to the times when I had a few people that were close enough that I could be with them and just hurt. I don't need someone to fix my problems...I just need support and compassion. Something I'm not good at letting people do for me.
Everyone has baggage, but I wear mine fairly well. My problems will not become someone else's problems. There are just times you need an arm around you and a shoulder you can actually let loose and cry on to get over the humps.
And now, with a massive feeling of deja-vu, I depart.
:: Mikel 2:41 PM [+] ::
...
:: Sunday, August 04, 2002 ::
Saw Signs the other night with Lowell.
Wow. Damn damn damn. Great fucking movie, very tense. See it in the theatre so you can see the audience freak out.
Felt like absolute shit last night. Went in to go work at C-Street but I had been feeling for awhile on the verge of throwing up, with a pain in my abdomen. It had gotten a bit better before I left...full effect when I got in. Came home and slept, which I hadn't done much of.
I remember there was something I was going to write about, but damn if I can remember it.
I've downloaded a few more tapes over the last couple days. At the point now where about half of the footage is downloaded...need to start saving them on discs soon, because I can't fit them all on the firewire drive. (111 Gigs. Total will probably be around 130-150 gigs, when all is said and done.) While downloading them, I've been watching Twin Peaks, which is facinating as hell. That and Buffy give me hope that I can do tv shows like what I'd like to do... if this movie gets picked up. So many ideas, so many of them for finite series. None of this... let's go until we get bad shit.
Shot at the park today with Rachel, who plays young Rachel, Bill, and Lelia. Had a good time. Jason Pankoke came to take some shots of the filming. We got to get in the fountain a bit. Well, Leila and Rachel did. I didn't. :( Very sad about that. I love going into that fountain...good times, good memories of times when things were simpler and some people weren't as deranged as they've become. We went to coffee for a bit afterwards. Her husband has been Sarah's Viola teacher for quite a while... small world indeed. Apparently Pari is done with her film. I need to write her and see how things are..I'd love to see it.
Went out with Mandy and Erik last night. Mandy is trying to seduce Erik because he's dating someone. During the more then a year (maybe 2) when Erik was trying to get into her pants, she had no interest. Now that he's dating someone (and knows better then to get involved with Mandy...I pity the person who does), she's being obnoxious at times.
Now, to be honest, I find this amusing. (She did the same thing with Jarad.) However, Mandy being Mandy.... I can hang out with mandy one-on-one or in small groups and get along with her. When you get her "out" or with larger groups, she starts all this power games shit that I don't have a desire to play or time or energy for. And I put up with a lot, in general, but the levels of rudeness she gets to at times pisses me off.
Last night, she got shots for herself and Erik. Didn't even ask me. I know Erik didn't want to be alone with Mandy, but I excused myself and left right after. To be that fucking rude and selfish.... fuck, I'd have bought my own shot, but it's becoming more and more clear that Mandy really isn't the kind of person I want to spend much time with.
I look back at all the people who have intertwined, however shortly, in my life, and there are a lot of great people I haven't talked to or seen in years that got away, but the users, the selfish, and the leaches hold on. I don't have the energy for it or the time for it anymore. And, especially since I'll be living with Jarad, getting rid of Mandy would be difficult.
Whereas people like Erik, who rock and who I want to keep tabs with... they're the ones I lose.
I'm better then I was about it, but I still have a long way to go. There are so many that I wish I could see at least once more, just to let them know what they meant to me. I was able to tell my kids how I felt when I left Waukegan, but that's it.
:: Mikel 2:22 PM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, August 01, 2002 ::
Got all moved out yesterday. Was hoping to get it more clean, but Ruben and Emily both had to leave by 6. (Good thing I took off the afternoon at work.) I'll miss the hell out of Ruben, Emily, and Bill. Ruben's like my Mexican brother.... good times.
I was the last one in the house. Went through, took down the last stuff. Said my goodbye to what had been my home and marvelled at how empty it looks. I can't remember it being that empty---then again, I wasn't here to look at it when we first moved in.
Back at my parents place for a month. Not exactly where I want to be, but it'll be fine.
Listening to Bill Hicks right now. My prophet and God. His death was a shame. Currently, it's a live show and it's beautiful how he handles the audience. This type of comedian is rare.
:: Mikel 12:25 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, July 30, 2002 ::
Twin Peaks is facinating.
I wish the 2nd Season were going to be released soon.
:: Mikel 9:56 AM [+] ::
...
Bill is gone. Left on Sunday.
It's me, Ruben, and Emily now, though it's likely to be just me and Emily tonight. Ruben's going home tonight but coming back tomorrow to get more stuff and help us clean up the house. I'll miss it.
Found some of the few pictures I have of some old friends last night while cleaning. Some of me, Sarah, and Lyndsey wrestling on the couch. Stopped by, hoping to say goodbye to Lindsey, Lauren, and Vanessa, but only Lauren was around. She can be an odd duck.
Saw Bent-Till-Broken last night at the Highdive. Good show.
Kind of feel like writing more, but kind of feel like..... I'm tired.
:: Mikel 9:23 AM [+] ::
...
I need a hug. Just contact of some kind, really. Days like this I really miss going to Sarah's and cuddling with her and her roomies. Or with June. Or the Goats. Or Kendra, Amy, and I. Or Mandy P. or Tessa from PIGs. Or Rachel. Or Michelle. Or Laura and Becca.
None of these were sexual or romantic, though there were a few I wish had been, but they were comfortable and at a time where sometimes I just needed to be able to sit next to someone and have an arm around them or theirs around me. 3 of the only people I've totally opened up to, even if briefly, are on that list.
I've gotten rid of actual ghosts, why can't I banish the metaphorical(physical?) ones.
Maybe it's best that the flim is coming to a close soon. I don't know. Moving looms over me like I'm making a giant fucking mistake. I'm probably not, but I've moved too much....left too much behind. I'm tired.
I'm going to miss the fuck out of Bill and Emily and Ruben. Of all the places I've lived, this was the first that felt like a home. Granted, it took a year.
I'm going to miss the people I've gotten to know. The people I care about. I'm not good at keeping connections.
Went to Karaoke with Liz, Sandy, Eric, Brittany, and Mandy (and some guy Mandy and Eric works with) last night. Put in my slips at about 10:45 and never got a chance to sing. About 10 minutes before closing, a couple girls in the karoake pit got into a fight. They threw alcohol at each other and one threw her pitcher. Sandy dived in to break them up and got caught in the middle of it. After, she went outside and was pretty shaky. I got out there first and waited with her until the others came out. She said she wasn't sure why she was going down there. I almost pulled her back in when she first went, but I wasn't entirely sure what was happening.
While you're going over them to get the In and Out times for a batch capture, the sound sometimes lags behind the video, making for a highly amusing Godzilla-esque dubbing look.
I'm going to miss working with these people.
:: Mikel 2:30 PM [+] ::
...
People seem to like the new haircut.
Tried getting a trick shot last night with Lowell...didn't work so well. I got on his shoulders and he hoisted me up for the shot....felt like he was going to drop me, so we didn't get it. May try it soon with someone lighter so I can hoist them up.
:: Mikel 11:05 AM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, July 23, 2002 ::
Went to Goth night with Mandy, Liz, and Liz's friend Sandy last night. While Ruben and I were waiting for them to arrive, Amy, that traiterous slut, got me pretty tipsy. I'll miss my lesbian bartender plying me with free drinks. Normally, when female bartenders start giving you free drinks, you know they're only after one thing.
I've heard.
anyway
Had fun. Sandy reminds me of a movie star, but not one I can place. She often speaks in an almost cartoon adorable-child voice and was a lot of fun.
Talked with Liz for awhile on a number of subjects, some of which we agreed were odd to be talking about for various and sundry. Apparently, even with everything that had happened, Aaron still had fairly high praise for me. She said she was upset I was leaving as she wanted me to direct her in Oleanna. She said she doesn't trust a lot of people to get it right, but from what she's heard, she'd trust me directing it.
This from someone who's never seen anything I've directed.
People tend to trust me. It's kind of a curse, at times.
Got home about 3am, which was sort of a mistake, but one that was workable. I'd rather enjoy good company (Mandy, Sandy, and I went to Perkins after the bar closed) then be alert for work.
Getting stuff downloaded onto the computer...the batch capture options are a great help.
We cancelled a shot last night that we could have gotten. It would have been nice to get it, but what the fuck, eh?
:: Mikel 3:49 PM [+] ::
...
:: Monday, July 22, 2002 ::
I need to perform again
Too many stories, too many people, too many things crowding my head, they need to be bled out and writing won't get it done fast enough right now. That part of me feels stagnant right now....I've done the writing for the film and, even though I'm doing some stuff here and there, I've spent far too long on shorter projects such as comics, where you're continually advancing and doing new things. The interpretive aspect of directing here seems moot, as most of it was done in the writing phase. I'm not discovering much, as I do when working on a play I haven't written. Part of what I like about theatre is the interpretive and collaborative aspects. We're getting interps from the actors, but it feels like that's it...everything else is me.
My one-man show should kick ass, though. Need the freedom and joy of pure, ungimmicky improv.
:: Mikel 1:23 PM [+] ::
...
Skating the edge of exhaustion again. Was up till 4am on...Saturday? I think.
Melinda thinks it might be caffinee.... I doubt it. Saturday, at least was because I had too much on my mind. Am I making mistakes in the things I'm doing? In the things I'm not doing? Why do I have courage in a lot of areas most don't, but lack confidence in other parts, which would make my life considerably easier if I had the courage I probably should.
Who would I have been if I hadn't come up the way I did? I think I know, but it's hard to imagine myself anymore without the accumulated experiences of my life and they way they've built me and marked me. These scars run deep but, for the most part, I carry them well. I get tired of floating in and out of people's lives. I'm tired of that car trip (at least it's been a car trip the last several times) where I know, deep in my marrow and without any doubt, that it's over and that this group of people whom I've come to love and care for are about to leave my life, forever. I've yet to be wrong, no matter how hard I tried.
We're getting near the end of filming, which is a little scary. Improv was my one theatre venue where the ghosts of Dracula didn't haunt me near the actual production. In Waukegan, the night before we went up with Jack the Ripper, it took every ounce of strength I could find to not break down. Dracula was my first family and would have been one of the happiest times in my life. But there was too much death, too much betrayal, too much pain and loss. At times, it was amazing. At other times.....
I keep expecting it to hit...it hasn't yet, but it could be because of the fragmented nature of the beast. Likely, it'll hit when I'm alone and editing it or during screenings. At least then, it won't interrupt anything I can't leave.
The new Athenaeum album (new-ish...came out a year or two ago, I just forgot about it and hadn't picked it up) isn't bad, but not as good as Radiance. The first song, Suddenly, is amazing. Maybe it's a lost wish-fullfillment thing, but it gives me an undercurrent of anger.
"Suddenly, everything changes
Suddenly, everything's fine
Suddenly, the words jump off the pages
Suddenly I'm alright." (which I always hear as "Suddenly, I'm alive.")
--Suddenly, Athenaeum
Too much fucking change. Too fluid, too painful, too ghostly, too haunted, too material, too adrift in this world to want fucking change to be the catalyst to make things better. All my life has been change and I'm fucking tired. Just one thing I love that I won't lose. Doesn't seem so much to ask. I'll likely spend my entire life searching for "Home" and there are days I can't work up the energy to think that it'll ever be there for me in the end.
I've lived my entire life like this. I don't want to die like this.
"Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
and fly away to someone new."
--Holiday in Spain, Counting Crows
I shouldn't have come into work today, but I did. Stupid me.
Last week, I had one night where I didn't go to bed before 3 and that was at 2, I think. I've had things on my mind, but that wasn't what was keeping me up, though some of these things are looming far too close for comfort at the moment and are bothering the shit out of me.
I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired and all I want right now is to be able to let the guards down and just hurt somewhere where it's not just me. Too many things right now that might be mistakes, might be regrets, might be the best thing for me and I can't know. Spent my entire life having the people and places I love torn from me. I've never been good at going back...I'm not good at staying. Seems I've said goodbye more times then I've said hello in my life.
Now I've met some wonderful people and sometimes it almost feels like I have a home here.
Cuz I'm listening to it and am in one of those moods.
"It seems like Daylight is coming, and no one is watching but me."
"And it's a dangerous time for a heart on a wire, shuttled from station to station noisly not knowing why"
"And what brings me down now is love."
--Goodnight LA
"It just gets hard to believe that god sent this angel to watch over me, cause my angel, she don't receive my calls"
--Miami
"I just want to have a good time,
just like everybody else
and I don't want to fall apart this time
so would you please invite me in."
--Good Time
"And all this solitude is my confidence eroding."
--Carriage
"You've been waiting for a long time
to fall down on your knees
cut your hands
cut yourself until you bleed
But fall asleep next to me."
--Black and Blue
"I may take a holiday in spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
fly away to somewhere new."
"She's my angel
She's a little better then the one that used to be with me"
"Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on"
"O well, happy new years baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
or we could simply pack our bags
and catch a plane to Barcelona cause this city's a drag"
--Holiday in Spain
Music where I want to sit alone on a wooded beach and watch the ocean roll in and just hurt until the woman I dream of comes to hold me.
:: Mikel 11:26 AM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, July 10, 2002 ::
Picked up the new Counting Crows album, and it's wonderful. I didn't like "This Desert Life" so much. It felt like the weaker transition album between the very strong "August and Everything After" and "Recovering the Satallites." This one feels more like the next natural step instead of a half-step. I've fallen in love with a few songs already...we'll see how well it lasts.
Two more scenes at my house to be shot this Friday. Shooting with Danielle tonight and I'll have Galen, Soley, and maybe Ricky to play would-be rapists, which amuses me to no end since they're all three generally sweet people.
I've been up too late recently. The last night or two I've been up till at least 2-3am. No sleep for the wicked.
:: Mikel 1:59 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, July 09, 2002 ::
Wrote a montage scene to use for Rachel, Alex, and Garrett getting to know each other. Got a cool shot from in front of the TV of Garrett and Alex playing video games while Rachel watches. 3 scenes knocked out yesterday. Should get 4 today. yay! We're getting there.
Shooting with Danielle on Wednesday...should be cool. I'm hoping to find 3 of the nicest guys I can to make them seem like would-be rapists. No one'll get the joke but me and them, but it'll give me chuckles.
Last night, I got the chance to get to know a little better one of the more interesting people I've met in awhile.
All in all, good evening, though it started a bit rough.
:: Mikel 10:39 AM [+] ::
...
:: Monday, July 08, 2002 ::
A reminder to me, because damn it, I need it on occassion: (Inspired by a yesand thread)
I'm intelligent.
I'm caring.
I'm funny, warm, and compassionate, though I've been a bit surly of late, perhaps.
I'm creative.
I'm ambitious.
I'm good with people, generally.
I give good hugs.
I give great backrubs.
I've had it verified by two ladies recently that I give great oral sex. (Like, knees shaky/can't walk oral sex)
I like to cuddle.
I like people. Usually.
I can keep childlike wonder about some things while also retaining the ability to be serious and tackle issues that need to be tackled.
I'm cute in an unusual, kind of sneaks up on you way.
I've had some geniunelly amazing, beautiful people interested in me, even if I couldn't get involved with some of them for various reasons.
I can be a good listener.... though I talk a bit too much of late, perhaps.
I like to be goofy.
I'm a moderate (very moderate) drinker.
I don't smoke, kill children, or try to convert people.
I have an odd sense of humor that, damn it, I think is endearing.
Parents seem to love me, even with long hair.
I'm an incrable romantic.
I'm also a realist.
I have faith in people.
I have faith in life.
I can be mysterious.
I can be articulate.
My conditional shyness is found to be cute by some.
When I'm comfortable, I'm good at making others feel the same way.
I'm personable.
I have a wide-varitey of life experience.
I am strong willed.
I'm a hell of a catch.
Damn it.... I need to remind myself of these things more often.
:: Mikel 12:54 PM [+] ::
...
:: Wednesday, July 03, 2002 ::
It's late...not as late as I've been going to bed, but I'm still tired.
Picked up Coraline at lunch and have been reading it. 67 pages in, which also happens to be the end of the 1st CD of the Coraline audio book, so I'm caught up there. I enjoy hearing Gaiman read it, but I'll save it for a trip or a lazy day at home. (hah)
Shot out at the house today. Did a quick shot with Marshaun in the living room. Orion, Marshaun, and I ordered a pizza and waited for Bill to arrive. We were somehow talking about martial arts films and martial arts in general when Bill got there. I miss taking Aikido..I'd love to take Drunken Boxing or Shao Lin. Time is, as ever, a problem.
We set up fairly quickly in my parents bedroom for the (supposedly) quick scene between Garrett and Tim. We decided to use the mirror in the room to get a fairly neat shot. We ended up with 18 takes, since we were doing it all in one shot. Problems with hiding Marshaun so he could sneak over and sit on the bed when Bill opened the mirrored door to the closet.... problems with the zoom.... playing with the scene itself. Took awhile, but I think it's a fairly cool shot.
Then we got another scene outside, which I'm glad we got even though I was ready to call it quits after the longer shoot earlier. We got it outside and out of the way since we'd been waiting for evening to get the shot done till now.
:: Mikel 12:07 AM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, July 02, 2002 ::
Okay...let's start with the weekend.
Friday, left work a bit early and went to Chicago with Erik to see Ben Folds. Caught some traffic on the way up but we finally got to a place where we weremoving pretty briskly. Called Matt up to see about him meeting us to get something to eat. Hit traffic again. Made it to the Vic in time, but the line was around the block and it took us some time to find parking. We had to call Matt and call it off.
The concert was incredible. Ben Folds is an amazing musician and an even better entertainer. He had great rapport with the audience. We did some Harmonies for him, he held an impromptu Q&A session, he broke 2 piano wires. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. They were taping the show...I hope they release it uncut.
Got home late. Went to bed even later.
Saturday, got paid. Picked up Buffy Season 2, Memento: Special Edition, Audition (freaky fucking film), A Beautiful Mind, and I'm thinking one more thing that's escaping me at the moment. Left on Saturday to go to Perdue to see Robin Williams.
Robin Williams was everything you'd hope Robin Williams to be. We were no more then 25-30 feet away from him, if that.
So, it was a good weekend for shows.
Sunday, I did some filming with Bill in Mahomet. Dad helped make a track for the dolly so we could do a rolling shot with it that hopefully will look quite cool. Shot some outside stuff that we'll need to get some bits with Melinda and Brian later on.
Monday, after work, we shot 1/2 of the argument scene with Melinda and Bill. A number of angels were used, so it took a little while. I think there's one really cool angle and the others aren't bad. The scene came out well.
Erik, Brittany Phillips (the Brittany I'm flirty with, Britt, not you--though if you were closer, I'd make you feel loved), Lowell, Orion and I swam for a bit in the pool and then played "I Never" in the hot tub. Good times, though I got home late and went to bed, once again, late.
Toinght, we're doing some shooting with Bill and Marshaun in Mahomet.
:: Mikel 3:41 PM [+] ::
...
:: Friday, June 28, 2002 ::
Rumor has it we're about to get paid, thankfully. After that, it's head over to Erik's and then up to Chicago to see Ben Folds.
Shooting has been delayed a bit. We were supposed to shoot last night but something came up with Melinda and she wasn't able to come, so we're going to be shooting Sunday. Hopefully, also Monday-Wednedsay and Sunday...we're getting close to the final stretch.
Got to sit in with Pari's crew and had a good time. Fun people, but they have a ton of downtime between takes. What took them 5 or so hous we could have done in 1. They have better equipment, but there was a lot of sitting around for no good reason. We do it to, of course, when we get to chatting, but I'm trying to get better about that.
Went out the other night with Britt, Erik, Lowell, Myriah, and Laura...was a good, good time. Hadn't seen Laura in forever and it was nice to be around someone (Britt) whom I can be a bit touchy-feely with. I miss hugs and cuddling quite a bit, though I'm not certain if Erik was a little taken aback by his girlfriend stating that I'm a great hugger (and I am) and that she's going to marry me. :)
I'd like nothing more then to be able to lie on the couch with that special someone and just hold each other. Of course, I'd have to find that special someone or discover that the person who I wouldn't mind being that special someone feels the same.
But, every ounce of eloquence and charm flees me when I try to ask someone out or find out if they are truly interested and it's getting fucking annoying.
Things would be SO much easier if I'd never gotten my head wrapped around this in the first place.
:: Mikel 2:57 PM [+] ::
...
My clinic is always open.
:: Mikel 1:12 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, June 18, 2002 ::
I'll try to update it this weekend. Shooting's been going well, I've just been tired and pissed at work, and need a bit of a break.
:: Mikel 3:27 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, June 11, 2002 ::
Sat down last night to get some writing done and felt like hell. Eric called wanting to know if I wanted to head out with him, Myriah, and Brittany. Figured maybe some fresh air would do me good...I was wrong. Got home and had one of those nights were I generally felt like hell and my body wasn't sure if it wanted to throw up or not. I didn't really feel queasy, but once in awhile I'd get a little rumble or squirming in my belly to keep the thought in my head. It hurt to have my eyes open, so I was downstairs on the couch, listening to the TV and trying to hold a conversation with my roommate. Felt better this morning, though...I was kind of hoping to call in sick, but wanted to make sure today wasn't the day I was going to get paid.
Okay....what have I missed.
Made a mistake with Melinda on Friday. Called a shirt she wore reminiscient of a potatoe sack, which didn't go over well. Melinda, if you read this, it looked good... it was a nice shirt, but the weave of the shirt IS a bit patatoe-sackish. I'll ask for descriptions next time before writing them down, just to make sure I don't make any more faux-pas.
One of the scenes is too short....discovered this after the set up and while we were going through it...I'll need to write more with it. We actually managed to get a good amount done on Friday and Sunday.... there are a few kitchen scenes we didn't get to, but I'm not terribly surprised by that. We probably have one or two more days in Mahomet, total. (One for the other kitchen scenes...we got the most complex ones) and one for the Tim/Rachel scenes that are being tinkered with.
Now to see how much we can get done in Champaign this week.
Had a great time shooting the scenes where Ashlie puts little kisses on Brian. Brian's 12 and didn't want any part of it...it was hysterically funny and I wish we had had the camera rolling during the rehearsing of it. Classic stuff. Someday he'll look back and be happy he did it.
Some problems with the monitor....a little too rough putting the connections in, I guess. The cable we got from Radio Shack (which was like $20) is massively problematic...I'm a little pissed. We'd have been better off with a smaller one like the one that hooks into my DVD player.
Supposed to be doing an interview this week...we may get some photos. I'd like some of the cast, anyway....get a friend to do those, maybe.
Personal life: eh. Been drained and tired. Too much on my mind and all this moving shit coming up.
:: Mikel 11:00 AM [+] ::
...
Thinking this over last night, it became very apparent that, while the characters all have their inspirations (Tim is Jenni's Dad, Rachel is Jenni, Kimmie is Emily, Garrett is Me), they are also very much aspects of myself. Garrett is the caretaker in me distilled and coupled with my sometimes fatalistic self. Kimmie is my happy/goofy mood with the perception and knowledge of people. Rachel isn't too far from myself close to that age, with the caretaker aspect not as well developed. Tim is me devoid of the "Kimmie" aspects.
Tim is a very sensitive and is usually not as self-absorbed, but he's still living under the pain and torment of having his own personal hell come true. He gave his heart and soul to someone, forever, and had to watch her wither away and die and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. He's still lost in his own pain and there's too much about his kids that brings up memories of the way things were or the way they should have been. He's utterly and totally mistaken, but his intentions are good---he's trying to be strong for his kids. He thinks the best face to put forward is the strong, calm one but he hasn't been able to distance himself enough (if at all) away from how his wife ran the family to be able to keep that up around his kids.
It should be clear, especially in his eyes, that this is a man who has pretty much died inside. He'd clawed his way up through the dross and shit of life over and over again and, when he finally allowed himself to believe that this time things might stay, he lost the person who meant the most to him. He's a hollow shell of who he used to be and it takes the confrontation with his daughter and the interference of this stranger to bring him back to life and put him in a position where he can try, however difficult it is, not to lose his daughter.
He's going through the motions in just about everything. While there's steel and fortitude in him, he's been pushed beyond the limits so many times that this time was the final straw for him. He's broken and hasn't had the energy or the impetus to put himself back together again. What he needs, more then anything, is help and he's not one who can ask for it.
:: Mikel 1:31 PM [+] ::
...
I wish we'd had time to do rehearsals of the entire film before hand. Got some good stuff out of last night, but it's showing that Bill hasn't had many scenes yet that weren't some of the short, silent, montage scenes. We didn't get the time in rehearsals on characters to do much with Tim. I'll try to write a "thesis" on Tim a little later.
So I put a tracker on so I can see if anyone reads this and a few people have been referred here by a google search for "hot goth chicks".
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH
:: Mikel 3:43 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, June 04, 2002 ::
Reviewed two of the three tapes...the other tape should only have 2 scenes on it. (The first one we shot and 4L--I think). Checked and none of the shots we'll be doing this week corresponds to any of those. I'll check those later.
Went through the first one making notes on shots....fastforwarded so I had the correct number of takes and such and anything big on the 2nd tape. I see know why they use beautiful people in movies....you have to see close-ups of 'em for a few months afterwards. Can't say the guys do much for me, but our girls are certainly cute enough that it's not a chore. Reminds me to make it all female next time I do this. :)
Learned a few things on review:
Need to fiddle with manual/auto focus to get the best way to keep things in focus.
Low light settings can mess with the focus, though luckily the scenes this happened will be spliced up enough we can skip over those sections. Scene 62 almost looked like it needed to be reshot, but we have plenty of film on it from several different angles, we'll be fine.
The on-board mic works decently well up close, but it'll be good to hook the sound up through Orion's camera. There are times things were a little soft.
There IS a headphone jack on the VX1000. The manual for that thing sucks.
I'm getting more and more confident as I watched these tapes. There are some warts here and there, but some may be fixable in the edit or the particular problems we have (it's a very touchy tripod which likes to tilt a little) can be considered "for effect". I'd love to reshoot a few little things, but time and energy and availability make that rather impossible. That's what I get for starting out with a large project but, what the fuck, if you're gonna do it and are low on time...do it big.
I need to get out of the house for a bit. Too much in my head right now and too many ghosts floating around right now. It's been awhile since I was in a position like this..... it's the uncertainty that makes it suck. (Not to mention incredibly shitty timing complicating everything.) My mind's wrestling all over itself and can't quite make it's mind up. Just when it does, something comes along that makes me think twice, either way. It's hot in here, I'm antsy and need a distraction.
I think it may have been Bree I told that I thought I'd lost my passion. I only wish I'd been right.
:: Mikel 9:44 PM [+] ::
...
BIG fucking mistake:
Currently on my Realjukebox list, in a row:
Don't Change your Plans For Me (Ben Folds)
Magic (Ben Folds)
Train Wreck (Glen Phillips--Demo)
If I am (Nine Days--Accoustic)
The Show Must Go On (Queen)
When I Fall (Barenaked Ladies)
The live, paino version of Hold On (Sarah Mc) is a few above this bracketed by Not The Same (Dinosaur Jr.) and Wise Up (Aimee Man).
Well, the sunshine's been drained from my day for awhile at least. Beautiful stuff, but Christ, can I order them.
:: Mikel 4:10 PM [+] ::
...
Eric put together his demo CD on his computer and we listened to it last night. Also went out to Pickles where I ran into Tiffany and talked with her for awhile. She's adorable. Swapped numbers and we're supposed to do something when one of us has the time...which may be a little bit. Also got on well with the waitress.
She made a comment on my energy (I was in happy/goofy mood last night.... sort of a zen-performance space I get into sometimes, especially around people I don't see often, like Laura and Myriah) and then, to Myriah (who I had had my arm around earlier because we were joking we should be a hook up, except I'd be moving out ot Jersey at the same time and that whole thing with Jarad, her boyfriend, my friend) that she probably got used to this. Myriah told her that she doesn't see me that often and I remarked that we're friends but have very different schedules. The waitress seemed a bit pleased.
All in all, good things. I'll never be a mac daddy or a playah (I just love saying those), but maybe there's a bit more confidence there of late. It'd be nice.
:: Mikel 12:51 PM [+] ::
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:: Monday, June 03, 2002 ::
It's always damn stuffy in my office. We need a fan or a window.
:: Mikel 4:30 PM [+] ::
...
You know, I'm not really depressive or anything. I've just got a lot on my mind and some stuff that's more frustrating then anything else. A lot of this probably sounds a lot worse then it is.
Which, thankfully, doesn't sound nearly as bad as it did when I used to write up interps on the Toad List to work through a lot of shit. I'm amazed that I was never in any danger at slitting my wrists, looking back at those. Of course, it wasn't like things weren't bad, but still....
:: Mikel 11:19 AM [+] ::
...
Put a bunch of mp3s on my computer at work since I can't play CDs. I can, however, use Data CDs, so I took a bunch of stuff and put it on a CD so I can listen on shuffle. Plainsong by the Cure and the accoustic version of If I Am (which I listened to the entire way back from Waukgan) by Nine Days. If the movie is picked up, I really want to incorporate the Dumb Shows (silent part, set to music) that I often use in my stage shows into them. Setting scenes of violence to Plainsong (action sequences, even) could harvest tremendous power in that the juxtaposition of this beautiful, soulfull music with action or violence gives increased resonance to both aspects.
Along the lines of using Opera in gangland hit scenes.
There are three films I want to make specifically about my life.
1: The first one centered around Dracula, Randy, and that whole amazing and fucked up time in my life. Betrayals that, while I can better understand them now, still defy reason. The closeness of the cast. Randy's cancer and the effects it had. Growth. Destruction. Small favors which meant the world. An infussion of passion that, to the person I was, caused only troubles and pain. Not sure where it would end..... perhaps the last time I left Jessica's...feeling better then I had in years and finally able to work at putting the pain of that time behind me and trying to look more at what made it amazing.
It truly was both the best and worst time of my life. Still hits me on occassion, but it's rare....usually triggered by something.
2: Teaching in Waeukgan. How those parts of myself that I had thought I'd lost forever took flight again. How difficult it was to leave, but how necessary it was. How much I loved my kids and all the things I wanted to do to make their lives better, but couldn't.
3: Well, my hope is that this part of my life may be starting now. I know how I'd like this one to end, if it's truly begun.
:: Mikel 11:15 AM [+] ::
...
Fan kept me up as well as too many idle thoughts. Think I ended up with a decent amount of sleep---not too tired today but just had a lot on my mind.
You can go for so long without something gnawing at you and, next thing you know, your mind is on fucking overdrive and you have too many conflicting thoughts hurtling through the void. On one hand, Jersey can't come soon enough, but on the other......
:: Mikel 10:38 AM [+] ::
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:: Sunday, June 02, 2002 ::
Didn't get quite as much done as I'd hoped to today...we ended up starting a bit late, and people had to go by 4 (which still equalled about 5 hours of shooting, so complaining just makes me look like an ass.). A day to rehearse will help cut back the time we spend getting ready to shoot by a good amount. The tiny scenes, I think we can do as we get to them, but the ones with more dialogue need more work.
There were a couple camera angles I was thinking of originally that I scrapped for time and utility purposes. Going well, though, I think. I believe my actors know they're loved. (I can't pay you but, god damn it, I can appreciate the hell out of you.)
Next week will be stuff in Mahomet...Monday and Tuesday off, which will be nice. Since we're getting paid tomorrow, I can pick up videotapes to put the auditions and callbacks on to free up 3 more tapes and also make a log of what we have so far. Going to do some scheduling in a bit and see how much we actually have done now.
Hopefully it'll be impressive.
I'm wanting to write the next Invisibles. It's like a virus that lodges in your mind.
:: Mikel 9:39 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, June 01, 2002 ::
I wrote this for the other one, and it strikes me that it's stupid to put it on the one that appears second:
I think this will be in two segments. First one (probably this one) will be personal ramblings.
Second will be magic and art. The two may be combined, however..... not what I'll write, but the two themselves. Things are a little.... odd.... at the moment.
There....all nice and good.
Magic and Art.
While I can't pretend to be anywhere near the expertise of Grant Morrison, it dawns on me (as I look at this beautiful "Anarchy for the Masses" book, that I'm embarking on a similar journey, possibly. The Invisibles is a sprawling, twisted, and beautiful piece of work that, in the end, becomes a way for Grant to don a "fiction suit" of sorts to effect his own life through the things that happen to King Mob. (I'd say that seeing someone who looked like King Mob (and, therefore, Grant) this morning was a coincidence, but this is the Invisibles I'm talking about. I can't count on something like this being a coincidence when it touches on this series.)
Now, in what I've read of the interviews in Anarchy, Grant considers comics a far more magical medium then film or even straight prose. I can see why.... it's more immediate and controled through a few people instead of through tons of different mediums and people that dillute the raw energy placed into such an act. There are some filmmakers whose first films have an amazing vitality to them that, when they get good budgets, lose this amazing energy. (Near Dark, while not as polished, seethes with energy that the fine Strange Days lacks, for example. I haven't seen El Mariachi, but Desperado didn't work for me.) Is it their courage they lose? Do they stop taking chances? Does that tie into the fact that on the very low budget films, there is usually less people between the director, writer, and the audience? Who knows.
But I digress.
So, it's no secret that "The House on White Street" (I'm still not fond of that title) is, in a huge way, my wish for what I could do to help Jenni and some other students who I felt powerless to help in any way that would fix things. Garrett is very much me, without the wackiness. I see the ending to the other stories...I don't see the end to Garrett's.
If this were to become a magical work, much like the Invisibles, would it effect me the same as it effected Grant. (Morrison came close to death not long after King Mob nearly died in the series.) Is it more dilluted (and done by someone less experienced, obviously) due to the medium? Do I even know how to truly infuse it with magic?
I don't know. I want to infuse some magic into most anything I do. But sometimes you're just too close.
:: Mikel 3:12 PM [+] ::
...
I think this will be in two segments. First one (probably this one) will be personal ramblings.
Second will be magic and art. The two may be combined, however..... not what I'll write, but the two themselves. Things are a little.... odd.... at the moment.
I've been accused of thinking too much. (Most importantly by myself and, let's face it, I'm in a much better position then you to determine if I do, indeed, think too much.) A friend of mine (the much missed Kendra Baker now some other last name, who I need to get in contact with again) used to joke that a girl would have to be naked on my lap and I'd still wonder if she liked me.
She's not far off. Thankfully, there's a little bit of "cute" in some of these stories I have and I can do self-deprecating as well as the next guy. Well, a bit of something's happened with a girl I know and I can't admit to being entirely sure what it is. If it's just going to be a fun fling through the summer, that's fine.... more of what I'm looking for, actually. (My horrendously unlucky sense of timing has once again reared its ugly head, though. It's kind of amusing how these things always seem to happen.) If it's just what it's been, it'll be disappointing. I don't use others and don't particularly enjoy being used, though I have to admit having someone there for a bit again was just what the doctor ordered. It was nice and fun, but I don't want it tainted, which would suck.
If she wants more, and I don't really think she does, it's odd... I'm not entirely adverse to the idea, but she's not really the one I'm all that interested in for something more substantial. I'd done well for quite some time not really having my eye on anyone, then a bunch of stuff happens and things end up all fucked up again.
We need shut-off switches for our hearts.
While I'm not sure where I stand with one, I thought I knew where I stood with the one above. Now I'm not so sure. And, while I have great courage and fortitude in a degree of areas, this isn't one of them.
It'd be easier if most people who only knew me a little could understand how fucking shy I can be when it comes to actually making myself vulnerable.
I can go through and list out the things that need to be fixed in myself. I even know, pretty much, how. Except that the things that need to be fix sort of make the how nearly impossible. Gotta love how fucked up that can be.
:: Mikel 3:00 PM [+] ::
...
Some amazing stuff in here. Photos of modern ruins. Check 'em out.
:: Mikel 1:19 PM [+] ::
...
Met Pari last night, who's another film-maker in this area. She wanted to look over the audition tapes that I had to see if there might be some good people for her. Got some good tips:
1: Take a seperate sound recording of things like clomping up steps, opening doors, etc. from up close with the camera.
2: Turns out the onboard mic for my camera isn't bad, thankfully, though we still may be able to use Orion's super 8.
3: Get little shots of things in the room to use as cut-aways. I had read this before and forgot it. Bad Mikel.
It's nice to talk to someone else doing similar things. I'd love to get a little network going with other small film-makers. Where you can share some resources and knowledge. Hell, I'll eventually have an iMac with DVD burner...no reason not work out a way for someone else to burn DVDs of their stuff. Good karma returns to you and fostering creativity is a wonderful and amazing thing.
:: Mikel 11:25 AM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, May 30, 2002 ::
Comics that have come in today:
1 @$15.96 Books; SUPER--HEROES; ANARCHY FOR THE MASSES TP
1 @$6.27 Comic Books; AVATAR PRESS; WARREN ELLIS STRANGE KISS TP
1 @$6.47 Comic Books; DARK HORSE COMICS; LONE WOLF & CUB VOL 21 FRANGRANCE OF
DEATH TP
1 @$19.47 Comic Books; DC COMICS (VERTIGO); HUMAN TARGET FINAL CUT HC
1 @$1.95 Comic Books; MARVEL COMICS (MAX); HOWARD THE DUCK #5
1 @$1.47 Comic Books; MARVEL COMICS (SPIDER-MAN); AMAZING SPIDER--MAN #41
1 @$1.47 Comic Books; MARVEL COMICS (X-MEN); X--FORCE #128
This is a beautiful and wonderful day, though I have to wait a little bit before picking them up and am far too tired to get to most (any) of them tonight.
Sang at Karaoke last night and spent the evening in some wonderful company. Tired today, though.
We didn't get enough done tonight because we started late. If we'd have gotten started about 5:30 instead of 7:30, I think we could have gotten most, if not everything we had planned to do done tonight. We ended at 9:30, so an extra 2 hours would have gotten us a good amount of stuff done.
It's time to stop being cowed by the fact that we're doing things on a camera and focus on pulling good performances out of the actors. They're giving good performances, but there are tons of little things I'd love to bring out. We need the time to work up on the individual scenes and right now to do that, we sacrifice that ability to get much done. We need a rehearsal day.
It's a vicious cycle, and it does like to bite hard.
Just when you think you've accepted something, at least for a short time before circumstances are suppose to change, something comes along and removes calm and stirs things up into a strange fucking whirlwind. And it's probably nothing....
I think too fucking much.
Especially when I have a place to write it down. I'll have to find and smack Britt for that, this blog is all her fault.
I need to look over the footage we've already shot. Probably on Friday, so I can have Thursday completely off. I need a bit of time to rest. Maybe give Sarah a call and see if she wants to meet for lunch or something. At the least, I could use the hug, though it'd be nice to see her again.
:: Mikel 4:31 PM [+] ::
...
Great quote from Daniel, one of my partners-in-comics:
I have hard times reading women, too....I mean, 99% of the time, I can't even find the words on 'em.
A-fucking-men, my brother.
:: Mikel 4:16 PM [+] ::
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Recommended stuff:
Books:
History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters by Julian Barnes: This includes the best thesis on Love I've ever read (the 1/2 chapter) and a pretty cool idea of heaven. Wonderful, mosiac novel.
Armour by John Steakley: Best sci-fi novel I think I've read. Starship Troopers with great action scenes. Felix kicks my ass.
Vampire$ by John Steakley: Best vampire novel I've read. Made into a horrible movie, but one hell of a book.
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay by Michael Chabon: Comics are a topic that's close to my heart, but this is more about two boys growing up and dealing with their lives. It's a novel, and just won the Pullitzer. Amazing stuff. I'm not as enthusiastic about his Wonder Boys book, which I think it interesting but ultimaetly lacks something special. This is the real deal.
Music:
Toad the Wet Sprocket: I rediscover Toad every once in awhile. This time, while making a Mix CD for Melinda. Love love love the Toad.
Glen Phillips: Former front man of Toad. Different musical sensibility on his solo album, but the same soulfull lyrics.
Guster: Best band you've never heard. Two guitars and bongos and some great music.
Dan Bern: Got back into his albums recently. Bob Dylan with a keen sense of humor.
Nine Days: Really well done pop.
Old School Metallics: Before Black, these guys made symphonies with their albums. Master of Puppets is one of my all time favorite albums.
Movies:
The Iron Giant: Heartwarming and intelligent.
Magnolia: Inspiring.
Battle Royale: We've got nothing on the Japanese when it comes to action/suspence.
Reanimator: This has just been released in a special edition on DVD. This will be mine on Friday.
Iron Monkey: Need to get this wonderful martial art film, as well.
The Blade: Not with Wesley Snipes (though that was a fun movie), this is a kick-ass martial arts flick I need to find somewhere.
Bowfinger: One of my favorite comedies of recent years.
Almost Famous: A love song to his youth that everyone should see.
The Big Lebowski: Absurd and beautiful. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
:: Mikel 10:51 AM [+] ::
...
Insomnia was....eh.
It's worth seeing and has some interesting ideas, but it lacks a tension it sorely needs. I'm interested to see the original. This one is supposed to be a re-examination of the original, which seems about the only reason to remake a film.
Got some shooting done last night and didn't reach a few scenes, as we were chatting for awhile. Can't say I regret that, though I suppose I can't really let it happen too often. I genuinely like the people involved, which is wonderful since I wasn't able to do mini-interviews like I prefer to do.
My little cousin Carson sat on my lap and called Action for a few of the scenes last night. He was actually pretty quiet and focused during it, which was cool. We got done with a scene and he'd pipe up (watching the monitor with me): "I liked that one."
There are times he's a pain in the ass, but there are times where he's unreasonably cute, too.
:: Mikel 10:32 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, May 28, 2002 ::
Rode the bike a few times this weekend, which was nice.
I believe it was Mark Twain who said that nothing ensures a rainy day better then saving up for one.
Got a flat tire coming out of Insomnia. It was still flat the next morning and is just about worn through anyway. I doubt they'll be able to fix it, it's so badly worn, so I have to get new tires. Like I don't have enough right this moment to put money into. grr ack!
Checking the shot list for tonight....may try some stuff with scheduling...we'll see.
Any actors of mine (or tech) who read this, feel free to comment. I'd like to get all sorts of views....if this movie does decently, I may turn the journal enteries into the type of book I couldn't find on film-making.
I'm not up on my criminal statutes, but I think that's some sort of crime.
Just got back from seeing Insomnia. Interesting...kind of like Frailty in that it's worth seeing once, but doesn't have the tension it needs to garner an enthusiastic recommendation. Apparently, it's a remake that reinvisions the original, explores new areas of it. That's as should be. Someone like Cameron Crowe remaking Open Your Eyes (as Vanilla Sky) and apparently pretty much making the same movie smacks of masturbation. (No pun intended.) We were robbed of a potential Say Anything or Almost Famous. I didn't even like Jerry McGuire, but at least it was a movie he wasn't copying from someone else.
Played with my cousin Carson today. He's 5 and thinks I talk too quickly. I love kids, but I didn't have the reserves today to be as active as he wanted me to be. I was tired and wanted to chill and relax after a bit.
:: Mikel 10:43 PM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, May 25, 2002 ::
Small note and word to the wise:
Next person who compares me to a teddy bear gets bitten. I'm dark and mysterious and alluring, god damn it.
(Is it teddy bear-ish that I originally mistyped that as dog damn it? Watch your answer, I do bite.)
Tried 2 more times to burn this damn CD last night and still had problems. I'll probably spend tomorrow and maybe even Monday out at the parents place...may just do it on their machine. Maybe I can hook the two up and do it that way. It's aggravating me, regardless. "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To" was the original, tounge-in-cheek title. I think it adequaetly sums up the frustration I'm having trying to burn the damn thing. Great songs, though. Fun songs are only good when you're in a good mood. Sad songs call to your heart at any time.
Today we had the big shoot at Tolono Unity High School. John Tilford is one of my person heroes.... partly for just being John, and partly for letting us do this. Didn't have as many people as we'd originally thought, but I think it worked out fine on that end.
Because of waiting for others to show (who didn't) and a technical difficulty or two, we ended up not finishing till 4pm. I lost a few shots that I wanted to get, though there are a couple we can do elsewhere with a neutral background and no one'll be the wiser. It may be Fake Shemp time soon.
A second Camera would help SO much.
Orion works well with the camera and seems eager to do this. This leads me to wonder, of course, WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE LISTENING TO ME? I know that I can put together a well told story, but most of these people don't really know me from Jack. Call yourself a director and people listen, I guess. My hope is that I earn it.
I think I'm at my best when working with people in something like this. I'm feeling sharper and more alive then I have in awhile...I've needed something creative for awhile. Been running on auto for too long. I got about 4 hours or so of sleep last night. Was there at 8:30 ( up at 7:30) and was there till about 4:30 by the time we got everything packed. I came home feeling energized, though sitting for a bit and then riding Bill's bike down on campus helped get rid of some of the excess energy.
I'll sleep well tonight.
Things I would have done differently:
This is the most complex shoot of the film. I should have cut apart the scene and pasted it onto the page in Shot order, to help out. I didn't and instead wrote it down, which slowed things down a bit. We repeated a few angles we didn't need to. Storyboards would be nice, but I can't draw for shit. Time was also a concern.
If we could have worked in a slightly longer lunch, but that was only because I enjoyed it.... Melinda and Ashlie are a joy and it's a shame I didn't get to know Danielle before. I was slightly in performance mode but, damn it, I don't mind that. It's the way I am around people when I'm not too shy, which happens when I'm plunked into a party or something with lots of people I don't know. I'm best in small groups or if I'm in charge or in my territory.
Part of it's the Spirit of the Wolf in me.... most of it's ghosts of the past.
That shit's been on my mind too much lately. The move is part of it. It looks like I'll be in Jersey...I don't think I got the job at Rockton, which would have been cool. Living with a friend will help. I'm tired of feeling like a Nomad in my own life. I flit in and out of social circles with alarming speed.... it never seems to last. This is probably as much my own fault... I hold people at arms length pretty well. But then there are situations like it used to be with Sarah, Lauren, Veronica, and Lyndsey.
I'd just go over and we'd hang and have fun. Cuddle on the couch. I'd kill to be able to just cuddle with someone. Being held is a wonderful thing and I miss contact. It takes me a little bit to get really physically comfortable with people in close proximity a lot of the time. I miss being able to go over there and just be for a while.
Fake, Plastic Trees just started playing. I'd call it synergy, but I am playing the song list for "Songs to Cut Your Wrists To." I love this song but it's so sad and majestic I always end up in ultra-introspective mode or just in one of those moods where you want to listen to it over and over again and cry softly as the sun sets over the forest. But I've got no forest, so I guess I'm fucked.
Sarah, who I was closest to, became harder to get in touch with after she started dating Brennan. A better man for her then Aaron, but damn competitive with me. I miss Sarah, she was one of the ones I could really open to. I need to get ahold of her and hang before I leave. At least have coffee, which we manage to do once in awhile. She was there when I desperately needed to feel like I belonged somewhere when I got back from Waukegan...I was so fucking adrift.
But I've spent most of my life adrift. There are times where I feel like things will always be like this and I'll never be okay with it. There are times I feel like it will always be like this and I will be okay with it.
I'm not sure which scares me more.
I don't dwell on it as much as I used to, but it hits me on occassion. There aren't all that many times where I feel that, in the end, I have a happy ending. It's like in the film... I can see the happy ending for everyone but Garrett. I hope to find it someday. I don't want to die like this, but I'll struggle through it just to spit at the devil in the eye, if I have to.
Mike, who's now going to do something to get himself in a less-philosophic mood.
:: Mikel 7:48 PM [+] ::
...
Welcome to the land of Something's Always Wrong.
Did our first shoot with Bill, who plays the father tonight. We did the silent montage scene with him and Melinda. It went fairly well. Bill took off and we went into one of the solo scenes with Melinda.
Sound problems.
We got through most of the scene but got a tricky microphone in the later part of the scene. Turns out it's not just the microphone. More troubles....joy o joy. We've been working on it and finally (sometime after midnight, gotten it fixed.) And I have to be up early. Kill me now.
I'm in the mode where I just need to stop thinking for awhile. Too much on my mind. Waiting for the hammer to hit, emotionally, but this isn't theatre.... it's when I do a theatrical thing that I care about that it hits, and it's usually not until the end. A few nights before Jack went up, I was barely able to make it through the evening. All I could think about was that no matter what happened, the single greatest friend and partner on stage would never see this wonderful thing I was doing.
I should visit his grave, but it's probably best to hold off until the movie's done shooting.
:: Mikel 12:43 AM [+] ::
...
:: Friday, May 24, 2002 ::
Tonight will be an easier shooting. Checked it through today and there are 5 or 6 setups. We can use a few of the same angels for some of the shots in other scenes, which will be helpful. I think we'll get it done fairly quickly. yay!
Treatsie on Improv and other creative persuits (probably).
This got lost about a week ago, so I figured I'd give another shot.
When it comes to any medium, film, prose, theatre, improv, comics, the best and, likely, only reason to do something is so that you can create a piece that you would want to see or read or experience. No other reason. When you second guess what you want to please the audience, you start the road into mediocrity. People want to read Supehero comics, so we get a shit-ton of really, really bad super hero comics. On occassion, you have people who truly want to tell a certain story with Superheros and you get an Astro City, Miracleman, Watchmen, Tom Strong, Top Ten, Dark Knight Returns, Starman, Stormwatch (Ellis run), etc. You get a very small percent of comics that are actually worth reading among a glut of copycats that are trying to please an audience that's been dwindling for years.
But then you get things that matter to their creators: Lone Wolf and Cub, Whiteout, Fortune and Glory, Nobody, Channel Zero, Bone, Cerebus, The Invisibles, Transmetropolitan, Sandman, Leauge of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Goodbye Chunky Rice, Maus, Alec, Bacchus, Cages, Mr. Punch, Memphisto and the Empty Box. And you get something amazing that doesn't pander, that doesn't pull punches. These tell great stories that are accessible to someone who's not a fan of the medium of comics. (The ones who mistake the genre of superheroes for the medium that includes some wonderful works.)
With television, it's much the same. Sopranos is good partly because they're doing WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. They're doing their own thing. Buffy and Angel are at their best when doing this. The Prisioner was good, partly because of this. And with movies.... the best movies usually aren't blockbusters. But they find their audience and, sometimes, their audience comes out in droves when the film is on video. (Shawshank Redemption, anyone?)
But with Improv, we pander.
Oh, fuck, how we pander.
To be fair, Improv is a vastly different art form in that it not only has an immediate audience reaction (which theatre also does) but it's influenced by that reaction. Most improv seems to be comedic. Many improvisors become whores for making people laugh and, when they hit on something that will make them laugh, they milk it. Or, what's worse, (because milking the audience in the right hands can aid the scene greatly. Knowing when to stop is important.) is when someone goes to something they know will draw laughs just because they're getting nervous about it.
I've seen quiet audiences who've enjoyed themselves. One of the early Mafia shows went incredibly well, but the audience was quirky that evening and wasn't really loud in their laughter or applause. It unnerved the troupe. I gave a pep-talk later, because I thought it was a great show and the audience did like it, but they were shaken. Because the emphasis had been put on pleasing the audience.
Fuck the audience.
Do it for yourself and your audience, if you're dilligent and talented, will find you. This isn't an excuse for bad performance. If you can't tell a story, you can't tell a story. If you can't get an audience invovled, that's your problem. But the audience for the Waterboy is very likely not going to like Magnolia. This doesn't detract from the brilliance of Magnolia, it's just not made to be homogonized for the waterheads.
I want to do solo or small group improv so that I can work on the things I want to work on. Some of that's comedy, yes, but it's mostly about the truth in situations. I want to do shows that are equal parts funny, touching, and tragic. The solo improv I did in Oberlin got laughs...it was working. If we'd have had more times, the wrap up would have been heart-warming, I think. (Yeah, I know, I know. I do heart warming on occassion. Shut up.) There's humor in real characters. A boy who doesn't want to be alone goes to the arcade and actually gets to play games with someone. A mother freaking out because her son is playing a game with an adult who shows some compassion and goes ahead and pays for the kids next game. The guy not being afraid to tell the mom off. That's about where it ended, but I didn't have to go with gross exaggerations. I'm tired of that... they all become the same after awhile.
If they're expecting Who's Line, they're not going to like what I want to do, but I'm not going to tell an audience that I'm delivering what Who's Line does. I've done that for too many years and it's lost its joy. I don't want to do short form for awhile because all the scenes seem the same, when it's gamey stuff. The Mafia was started to do short form that was rooted in Character and Scene. When this melted away, I saw the pale shadow of what we'd began when I returned from Waukegan. But they were still better then most short form troupes. The problem was some of the new people, who ran roughshod over each other going for the laugh.
Some of the best performers we had, who weren't incredibly aggressive, were put off by no longer being part of a scene. Instead, they were lead around and had no imput. They'd lost the cohesivieness we'd started with.
Simply---it had become what I didn't want to do anymore. I tried to get it back on track...several were for it, but I realized quickly that it was time to move on, though it broke my heart to leave behind something I'd put so much into.
But you have to be true to yourself. Otherwise, we betray the audience as well.
:: Mikel 10:51 AM [+] ::
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